Pregnant Stephanie

2009-05-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

Until further notice....

2009-05-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

Oscar rolled over!

He was playing in his gymini on May 6 for some tummy time and I was marvelling at how strong he is and how far he could push himself up and how high his head was off the ground and all of a sudden he looked up at me and rolled over.

Or fell.

Either way...

The next day, yesterday, I put him in his crib after a diaper change so I could go wash my hands. I laid him flat on his back and ducked out of the room. When I peaked in, he was laying on his left side! He had rolled over on his own.

It's a whole new ball game now.

He's able to travel!

Only around his crib.

But still.....

2009-05-06T20:52:00.001-07:00

Language. It's a funny thing.

In my household, we know 3 and are about to know 4.

English
Cantonese
French
Sign language (going to learn for/with Oscar)

But that's not the type of language I'm talking about. I'm talking languaging. How you say things. What you say. The power behind the words you choose.

I've got to watch mine. My languaging. I've got to be really present and conscious. I've got a little one to consider. I want to be as clear and clean as I can be with my languaging while in his presence. Because I don't ever want him to think that something that is going on with me is his fault. Or is because of him. I'm sure that there will be tonnes that is, lol, but I'm specifically talking about two things that are going on with me right now.

not sure about more babies
my shitty self-image

#1: We're all in the know that I'm not sure about more babies. But it's VERY IMPORTANT to me that Oscar never ever ever ever thinks that it's because he was a bad kid, or a rotten baby, or difficult, or cranky, or it was an awful birth experience, or that he was unloved. Because it's none of those (especially the last two). It's simply because I'm afraid that I won't be as lucky the second time around. And then even THAT could lead him to believe it's his "fault", you know? So that's where I'm at with that.

#2: We're all in the know that I'm not happy with the way I look right now.

And it's more than just bad hair.

It's low self-image from the inside. It's bad body-image. I've never looked like this. I've got EXTRA SKIN. Ewwwww. I've got a dull, patchy complexion. I've got DIMPLES ON MY ASS. I've got a weird-lookin' belly button. I've got, yes, bad hair. And don't even get me started on my vagina. (Why the f*ck didn't anyone tell me just what happens with one's vagina after birth? WHY??????) And yes, I know, I had a baby 3 months ago, give it time and I'll lose the baby fat. I know all that.

But I'm still allowed not to like it.

And it has nothing to do with Oscar.

It just has everything to do with the fact that I've looked good my whole adult life, and now I don't. And I don't like it. And I'm not comfortable with it. I don't know how to be this size. I don't know how not to fit into clothes. I don't know how to be this size/shape/way. I know that I'll get back to normal. But right now I'm not, and I can't stand it. I look at recent pictures of myself and I just delete them. All of them. I'm just a hot mess.

I don't blame anything for it. It's just the way it is.

And I'm allowed not to like it. I'm allowed to not be comfortable with the way I look right now.

And so saying all of that, I have to make sure I watch the languaging around Oscar. Again, I would just be devastated if he ever ever ever thought that it was because of him. That my unhappiness with my body-image was even remotely because of him. I mean, I was up to 123lbs before getting pregnant and I was upset about it then... and there was nobody to blame but myself. At least with this weight and EXTRA SKIN, there's a reason for it... a natural reason... a beautiful reason. And it's supposed to be like this. As far as I'm concerned, there's a reason it takes so much time to get rid of it... it means I'm busy taking care of my son; too busy to worry about hitting the gym to work it off (who can get to a gym 4 or 5 times a week when exclusively breastfeeding and unwilling to use the on-site daycare?).

And yet it still doesn't mean that I have to like it.

Look at this face... how could he possibly be the blame for anything?

2009-05-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

PS: Anyone still bleeding 3 months after giving birth?

I'm still having daily discharge of sorts, but thismorning I woke up to bright red. Not a whole lot, but enough to make me go "hmmmm....". (Update: FYI: I'm breastfeeding so it can't be my period... can it?)

Please leave a comment with your experience or knowledge!

(PPS: It just dawned on me that this blog is a mommy group of sorts! Maybe I AM a mommy-group mom afterall, lol!)

Thanks.

2009-05-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Change.

In case you didn't notice, I'm not good with change. (Actually, I'm great with change, as long as it doesn't affect me....)

I mean come on, did you really think I'm that much of a bitch?

But change is coming here at Pregnant Stephanie. We're moving, we're changing, we're growing. It's not going to happen over night (phew! I need at least a few weeks to panic!), but it's going to happen.

I'm a mom. But that doesn't mean that I'm your type of mom. I'm not a mom's mom. I'm not a mommies group mom. I'm just me.

Stephanie.

Oscar's mom.

Flying by the seat of my pants.

And having a blast doing it.

So if you want to come along to our new abode, send me a tweet and I'll keep you in the loop.

All for now... it's family day so me and mine are going out on the town!

2009-04-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

I am SO not a Mommy Group person. Not at all. Not whatsoever.

I'll make idle chit chat with you during the program/group/session, but I won't go to coffee afterwards. Just not me.

Talk about uncomfortable. They're super-nice gals, truly. Just not my cup of tea. One gal (who sounded like she was about to crack) kept popping over to the side of the table where I was, putting her hands on her knees, bending down to me and saying, "How are you? Are you doing alright? How's it going?" I'm thinking, Fuck lady... I'm just feeding my son and having a latte. Chill the fuck out. (And I'm about 10 years her elder as well.) I know she was just being nice and welcoming and making the rounds. I know that. But people are still allowed to get on one's nerves, and this particular person at this particular moment in time, did just that. (Hindsight's 20/20, but I'm thinking she is a kindergarden teacher or something....)

So then it was off to walk back to the rec centre to weigh the little guy. I stayed at the coffee shop to grab one to go, so I got to walk back alone with Oscar. In the sunshine. In the fresh air. With the sidewalk to myself instead of trying to share with 8 other women and strollers (and carry on conversations). All the while, God must have been chuckling, because as ~~luck~~ karma would have it, I got back to the rec centre with chai tea latte ALL OVER ME.

And then, as ~~luck~~ karma would have it, I put Oscar on the scale and he PEED ALL OVER ME, and he PEED ALL OVER THE BLANKETS, and he PEED ALL OVER THE VOLUNTEERS. It was hilarious!

Hurricane Oscar strikes again.

So maybe I'll try the coffee shop one more time after all....

2009-04-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

We're hitting the Mommy & Me session at the rec centre thismorning for something to do. I wish they served tea and cookies, but anyway....

They have it every Wednesday. I don't usually go (went once when Oscar was 4 weeks old) as the topics are not really in line with where he is right now, developmentally, etc, but thismorning's topic is TBA. When I called the Public Health unit to see if they have one yet, she said it's an open forum.

I was so excited! That's where you learn the most - when other moms are asking questions and talking about their own experiences! I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure there will be a few questions about the Swine Flu as well (like, should we be stocking up on diapers and water, lol!) (ok, I was getting a little Art Bell Conspiracy Theory there...). All in all, I'm looking forward to it. To meeting other mom's as well. Not that I'm looking for new friends (I already have two), but it's nice to chat with these ladies and get to know them as I see some of them on Wednesday afternoons when I go to the weigh-in. And they all have kids older than me (well they did four weeks ago...) (ok, and they still do, but there are also new mom's with the most darling newborns!) so they know more than me and I can learn alot. And not feel like a retard or a bad mom for poking my son in the eye twice.

During the same diaper change.

Because they've all done that too.

Hopefully I'll meet a mom who's poked her son in the eye three times so I'll feel better about myself.

S.

2009-04-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

How could I have not posted since Tuesday? I swear, it was yesterday that I wrote about crystals in his diaper.

I hear him waking up for his last feed of the night. Either that, or one of the cats has his rattle.

Have a bunch of drafts written, will peek through them this weekend and get something up soon!

2009-04-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Something I've been noticing since Oscar got his first shot is little tiny crystals when he pees. They're like little tiny bits of clear jello. He's not in any pain when he urinates, he doesn't seem to be in any sort of pain or discomfort at all, ever. No fever. Nothing.

Just these little clear jello-like crystals.

He's 2.5 months old... what's going on?

Anyone else experience this with little boys?

2009-04-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm in the top 100 pregnancy blogs!

Although sometimes I think I should be under the ADHD or Mental Health sections....

2009-04-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

Reason #1 for not wanting another child....

I don't want to push my luck.

I'm hearing SO much about babies being born prematurely (severely), with serious problems, or dying just before or just after birth. This is going on all around me. It's both totally freaking me out and also making me grateful that Oscar is so healthy.

I'm hearing SO much about complications during pregnancy. This, too, is going on all around me. My pregnancy was amazing. It was beautiful. It was easy. It was enjoyable. It was the best time of my life (until the little dude was born that is!). BUT... my previous two pregnancies were not so amazing as they both ended in miscarriages.

I'm hearing SO much about fussy babies. Crying babies. Babies that don't sleep. And again, this is going on all around me. Oscar? He totally rocks. He's not fussy. He's doesn't cry (that much). He sleeps no problem (except for the late afternoon nap and the first evening nap. He doesn't like those). He's all smiles and giggles and joy. Even when he cries, he stops and smiles when he sees me. He's he love of my life. Would I be so in love if he cried all the time? Would I be so in love if he fussed constantly? Would I be so in love if he was up every two hours at night? Or just didn't sleep?

Yes.

But I bet I'd be frustrated and cranky.

S.

Oh yeah, and I never want to go through the recovery I went through EVER AGAIN.

2009-04-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

Yet another milestone!

I can't get over how quickly they grow and change and develop.

Oscar is playing by himself now. And when I say "play" I mean he's amusing himself in that sometimes when he wakes up, he's happy just to lay there and look around and coo and caw and stare at his hands. He's so friggin' well adjusted.

I'm learning so much from him already.

2009-04-13T20:14:00.001-07:00

A few things that have been happening:

Oscar loves to lay between us. Sometimes in the mornings when he's ready to get up but we're not, one of us will put him in the bed between us. He's happy as a clam, smiling, giggling, waving his arms and legs (ok, so part of the arms and legs waving around is still involuntary... but I'm SURE that part of it is also pure joy!). We have such a great time with him! It's a wonderful way to wake up, with this beautiful little creature giggling and cooing and smiling and just loving for no reason other than to love.... really, it's magical. We ARE a bit nervous that we may be creating a problem down the road, with a little boy that wants to crawl into bed with us constantly, but I look at it this way: he won't be doing it forever. Am I creating a monster here? Comments?

Yesterday he grabbed onto a toy... on purpose! He realized for the first time (or maybe it's just the first time I've noticed) that his hand is attached to him and if he hits at something... it moves! And sometimes it even makes a noise (other than his mother screaming and jumping for joy)! I put him down in his gymini for the first time in a few days and if he didn't focus on one of the hanging toys right away and start swiping at it! I couldn't believe it. Things are changing THAT FAST! He's growing and learning and developing THAT FAST! A friend of mine wrote me a note saying, "someday soon you will lose that wonderful infant yummy closeness... just revel in it as that is the true love of motherhood..." So you know what? I'm revelling in it.

Today I noticed something white protruding from his upper gums. Just like a little tiny round thing. He's only 9 weeks. It can't be a tooth pushing through. Can it? Is it more of the Epstein Pearls, only this time not on the top of his gums, but on the part where your teeth go? Epstein Pearls are supposed to disappear 1-2 weeks after birth. Oscar is 2 months along now.... And what are milk buds? Anyone have experience with this stuff?

In his 6th week he strung together his giggles to make a laugh. It was awesome! He was actually laughing! It only lasted for about 2 seconds... but Oscar laughed! He found me funny (or funny looking....)!

Just wanted to get some things down in writing before I forgot. There's not enough room in his baby book for all of this stuff!

Thank god for blogger.

2009-04-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

Three important milestones today.

1. Oscar slept through the night last night!

He has in the past (like when he was brand spankin' new and very lethargic from the IV) (and again when we had the Thrush), but this time it was different. It was a milestone. It wasn't nerve wracking (at 5 weeks it's kind of scary) at 9 weeks. Well, then again, when I woke up at 6:30 I was all confused. I was wondering why I woke up on my own and not to a fussing baby. I couldn't remember if I had fed him during the night. When I realized I hadn't, total panic set in and I rolled over and put my hand on his chest to see if he was breathing! (The thought of SIDS terrifies me.) When I got a good look at him, I had to laugh. He was EXACTLY as I had put him down at midnight. Hadn't moved an inch I don't think. usually he manages to get out of the swaddle and has blankets and swaddles all askew and he's sideways in his bassinet. But there he was, asleep, a little angel, exactly as he had drifted off. He must have sensed me staring at him because he immediately woke up RAVENOUS and it was on!

2. Oscar was a total trooper when he got his shot today.

We got the 6-in-1 and will go back each month now for the PCV 7 and Men-C and then the boosters up until 6 months, and then continue (again, only one each visit) with the rest of the schedule. I can breathe a sigh of relief. God, I SO worry over things that don't exist/haven't happened yet. What the hell has happened to me? I never used to be this high strung. And it's been since WAY before Oscar came along. I hate being so off-guard. That's how it feels sometimes. But I digress... I'm just so proud of my little guy for being such a trooper today.

3. I had a great hair day.

Trust me, this is a milestone. Remember, I'm not doing well on the self-esteem or body-image scale these days, so I'll take any small amount of outside validation that comes my way. And this one I believed because it wasn't a friend (because they HAVE to tell you you are gorgeous and look fantastic), this was a gal at the McDonald's drive through window (HAD to get a sundae!!).

So there you have it. A great day. Two important milestones, one... not so much. An all around good day!

2009-04-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Oscar has a playdate with Darwin.

I'm nervous.

Not because our children will be playing together (as much as an 8-week old plays, lol!), but because it will be the first day I will not be wearing maternity pants. I am going maternity-waistline-less for the first time since August, 2008.

I'm in that awkward stage where I've got about 10 lbs to go. My mat clothes don't fit. My normal clothes don't fit. I have low self-esteem and horrendously low body image right now.

I have a flabby belly and dimples on my ass.

For the first time in my life.

And I find it quite disgusting.

Worth it:

But still disgusting. I loved my body before pregnancy. I loved it EVEN MORE during pregnancy. But after?

Not so much.

I just want to fit into a size ~~two~~ four again.

I'd even take a six for a little while.

As much as I love yoga, it does nothing for the waistline. And I'm not into Bikram's. I'd die.

And my stroller is not made for speed walking - poor Oscar, it'd feel like he was on an amusement park ride!

I know it's only been 8 weeks, but God, I just want my body back. (Except the boobs... I'll keep these ones thank you!!)

s.

2009-04-02T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm just reading The Vaccine Book as we're scheduled for Oscar's shots on April 9.

We're definitely vaccinating the little dude, but the aluminum talk scares me. So much stuff in such a little person's system all at once!

I'm going to call Burnaby Public Health tomorrow to chat with someone about what brand of vaccine they use (not that I know anything about that but can research more with that particular info), and what levels of aluminum re in them and if I really have to worry here in Canada.

Basically, I'm just going to ask a lot of questions and probably call them a few ~~dozen~~ times.

Talk to me... anyone here in Vancouver/Burnaby staggered the vaccinations of their little ones, and why?

2009-04-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

This is Picachu the Sea Turtle. He's my little friend.

Hey...how did he get there? Picachu the Sea Turtle kind of startled me!

Sometimes I forget Picachu exists, even when I'm holding onto him.

Oh My God! I'm holding him! Picachu the Sea Turtle is in my hand!

In case you couldn't tell, just a few minutes ago, Oscar learned how to hold something in his hand. On purpose even!

We were having some activity time and I put Picachu in his hand to see what he'd do. He closed his little fingers around him, threw his arm up in the air, and then followed it with his eyes! He knew what was going on!

YAY! Oscar learned how to hold onto something!

Next up? Times table.

2009-04-01T10:59:00.001-07:00

We're off to the rec centre today to weigh Oscar again. He's gaining, he's healthy, all is good, just want to tap off this whole gong show with a final weigh in on the same scale for consistency.

Grampi and Nanny are in town visiting him so we're hitting the mall afterwards instead of sludging around Gastown and Robson in the rain.

So... last Wednesday when I went to weigh the little dude, The Warden was there. Interesting to watch the dynamics play out around her.

See, when she came for her visit with us when we brought Oscar home, she was a bully. She walked in with attitude (you could actually see it in her aura when she was pulling up the street!). I call it Power Over, Donald calls it Justifying her Job.

Either way, she was a bully. She was using fear to communicate with us.

It sucked.

For a new mother just home from the hospital with her baby, not getting sleep and not feeling well (by now you know O's birth story and my shitty recovery), it was overwhelming enough just breathing, let alone have this monster show up at your door.

Because I'm in a bit of a cranky mood right now, I could call her a b.i.t.c.h, but I won't. I'll stick with the Bully and Power Over dynamic. Because that's all it boils down to.

Anyway, to make a long story longer... walking into the rec centre last week was an interesting time.

She was sitting there with her folders and clip board, all alone in the corner. Interesting for sure.

After I took Oscar off the scale I wanted to chat with one of the nurses about his gain and chart it. Of course, as the universe is comical, I was assigned her, the Warden.

She had the nerve to motion "two minutes".

For what? She wasn't with another client. There was nobody waiting for her. She was sitting alone in the corner with her folders and clip board doing nothing. And yet she made me wait for two minutes.

I thought it was kind of funny then. I mean, I was in no rush at all, I had all afternoon. So I plopped down beside her and started to feed Oscar. After her two minutes were up, she turned to me and I SO WANTED TO ASK HER TO WAIT FOR A FEW MINUTES, but really, what was the point?

She wasn't such a bully this time. Surrounded by moms and babies who are now knowing more of what they are doing and are now more confident in their rolls as mothers, she had no power.

She knows babies in general, on paper only.

Moms know their babies.

Yes, it was very interesting.

I don't like people like that. Bullies. I have a few in my life that I've tried unsuccessfully for years to get rid of. Must mean I have more to learn from them I suppose....

Sigh.

S.

2009-03-21T20:54:00.001-07:00

Update!

Not only has Oscar discovered his hands... he's discovered his own face! He spied himself in a mirror two days ago when we were playing and having some tummy time and he was transfixed. It was hilarious! I had such a proud mom moment and then panicked. Totally panicked.

My little boy is growing up.

So today for our afternoon activity time we played in front of the mirror. Not only did he stare at himself, but he stared at me... he totally recognized me in the mirror! I wasn't sure if he would or not (my cats don't) (not that I'm comparing my child to one of my cats) (but I totally am), but he did and he smiled and giggled and laughed and it was delightful!

He's also discovered Chicken. Not the food, the cat:

When she comes over to say hello, he catches sight of her and totally follows her with his eyes. Ling Ling on the other hand, won't really come close yet.

On another note.... I had my 6-week post partum check up yesterday. I'm apparently all healed. There is a scar though where I tore (or was cut. I'm pretty sure I was cut as they knew I would tear. I must ask Donald if he remembers). I don't care about a scar down there at all. It's a non-issue.

Then she asked the magic question, "Next baby?"

"No next baby. No baby. Not another. Not ever. No way."

And I started to well up!

I made a joke and said that the amnesia hormones haven't hit me yet. But then came clean with her and said it was hell, recovery was a bitch, and I never want to go through that pain again. EVER. (I feel as though my body failed me a bit. I have always bounced back from everything, but the hell that was my recovery? Not so easy to bounce back from. It's not just the baby fat. It's not just the ugly belly (although my bellybutton is turning back into an innie). It's not just the shitty post-partum hair. It's not only the uncontrollable gas. It's not the incontinence. It's not the hemorrhoids or the stitches. It's not the weird shape of my post-baby body or being in that weird stage of not fitting into anything and somebody making the comment about how "that shirt is ok for wearing around the house...". It's all of it. But especially the physical pain of recovery. The first four weeks. Pure hell. Pure pain and discomfort. I really should have paid attention to my intuition when I said no visitors please... because it wasn't just going to be about bonding as a family - it was also soon to be about physical pain and recovery.) (I love the visitors we did have over and I'm very grateful that they were so close to us (like family) that I wasn't embarrassed to be witnessed in such pain and sitting on my hemorrhoid cushion!) So no, I don't ever want to go through that again. And the birth experience is still so new and fresh in my mind that I remember it all like it was yesterday. Again, so no, I never want to go through that physical pain again. (It's kind of like quitting smoking. It's so difficult and so hard. And so hard on those around you. And the headaches and withdrawal symptoms...why would one want to go back to smoking when it is pure hell to quit?)

So we got chatting. She mentioned that 2nd births are usually much easier and quicker and less complicated (and less interventions needed) than first timers. I said I don't care. She then made a great point that really resonated with me. That it would be sad if I made the decision not to have more babies based on my experience this time. Based on the pain of this birth. Based on fear of it happening that way again. And would I be interested in speaking with someone to help with the birth trauma so I could make a clearer decision about another baby, NOT based on this experience only.

I'm always one for healing. Always. I want to be as healed and as clear as I can be.

So yes, count me in.

So I'm going to be seeing someone at the reproductive mental health clinic to work through this trauma. I'm also going to be seeing someone to help clear it on an energetic level so it really will be cleaned up. So I'll be able to make a decision without wearing the lens of fear and pain that I'm seeing through right now.

And it all feels right and good. I'll keep you posted.

Truth be told, when I look at Oscar and he grins up at me, I completely forget the pain.

And then I remember.

And then he pukes on me.

And grins.

And I forget the pain again.

s.

2009-03-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

Oscar has discovered his hands!

And I don't mean by mistake when one lands in his mouth... I mean I caught him holding it in front of his face and staring at it.

At least, I think he was staring at it... one of his eyes is still crisscrossy so he might have actually been looking at me. Or past me. Or at a piece of lint. Or at nothing.

But it LOOKED like he was staring at his hand....

s.

2009-03-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

We've graduated from breastfeeding school!

Went to the clinic yesterday to follow up with O's thrush and weight gain.

He's gained properly, thank god! Now we only have to offer him 1oz of formula and monitor his weight gain over the next few weeks and that's that. He might need a bit of supplementation for a long time, or he might not. Good times.

And the thrush?

He didn't have it. He has Epstein Pearls. Jesus. So he had a week of meds without needing them. Just great.

On another note... something very cool a friend told me: When you're changing your child, the smell of his poo does something to your system (whether you can actually smell it or not) and your body changes the milk to be more of what your child needs.

All my the smell of his poop!

Groovy.

I love how the body is a mystery.

Another mystery that I'd prefer remain a mystery?

Pi Day.

Happy Pi Day!

s.

2009-03-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Breaking News!

Oscar smells like baby!

Not like just any baby, and not really that baby smell so to say.

But he smells like Oscar.

He has a little baby smell that's not throw up or formula poo.

It's all his own.

Finally!

2009-03-08T23:20:00.001-07:00

How's this for laziness?

See latest blog post below in red.

And now, one for the road:

2009-03-05T21:01:00.001-08:00

Alot to catch up on but too tired. Went out ALL DAY with Oscar and we're both zonked.

Except I'd sleep for 10 hours and he'd only sleep for 3!

In a nutshell:

Have an appointment at Vancouver Breastfeeding Clinic tomorrow morning. They should help with the thrush issue. Phew. Update: Oscar was prescribed Diflucan too.

Oscar has lost a bit of weight due to bottle feeding for the 10 days that I had to pump one side due to the thrush and the blocked ducts. Pumping was not getting as much milk from the breast as if he had been breastfeeding from it, so he was basically getting less food. So he's one month old and only at his birth weight. I was HORRIFIED! But... Update: I'm still HORRIFIED that I didn't realize he was losing weight. Horrifed. Each day now I look him over to see if I can see anything. Any dehydration. Or, on the opposite side of the coin, any signs that he might be getting plumper. Just for a sign of anything. But I'm no doctor. I'm just a horrified first-time mother that didn't realize she was STARVING HER CHILD. Okay Okay, not really starving him... still, he's my first (and possibly only) and I feel horrendous that I didn't know he wasn't getting enough milk from the pumping.

We're supplementing with formula to get his weight up. That's the important thing right now, to make sure he gains weight. So we're supplementing for the next week until we see what he's gained at the next doctor's appointment. Jesus Christ. The poor little dude. So even though he's draining each breast at each feed, we still have to supplement to get that weight on, and get it on FAST. Update: Formula stinks. Seriously. It smells like metal. And tastes like metal. And makes baby poop stink. And runnier a bit. And green.

The good news about all this is that he has NO TROUBLE at all going from breast to bottle and back to breast. He's established at breastfeeding so there is no nipple confusion at all. He's the breastfeeding monster. Update: And now that the thrush (mine) is clearing up, I'm feeding from both sides and totally enjoying it again. I only have a few stabbing pains up my back and neck now. And not every time. I love it again! So happy I stuck it out.

Which is also why I was ok with using a pacifier after I didn't want to and rebelled against it. I had nightmares about nipple confusion... but when I researched more, I finally read the words "once breastfeeding is established..." and it dawned on me that he's great at it and so the pacifier has become my best friend when I have to have a shower or prepare lunch. Phew #2. Update: Just read the latest over at Wave The Stick. VERY funny.

Will have more info after visiting clinic tomorrow about the thrush.

Going to bed now.

Goodnight.

2009-03-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

Oscar's Birth Story. Part Three.

(Part One. Part Two.)

Midnight was right around the corner. I knew that we were going to have our baby at any time now.

Any time!

My God.

My whole life was about to change. I was overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed.

I had spent the last 41 weeks researching pregnancy and what to expect with that and with the changes in the body. I had researched what to buy in advance to be prepared for the arrival of the little guy. I had gotten the chemical cleaners out of the house. I had researched the use of pacifiers, studied up on circumcision, started to learn about the aluminum in vaccinations, learned what is the best crib to buy and why not to get a change table.

But nothing could prepare me for this time in my life. That I was about to birth my baby. About to bring a life into this world.

I got so emotional. I felt sick to my stomach (and I don't think it was the epidural talkin'!), I just held Donald's hand and stared at him.

And promptly fell asleep.

Seriously, I completely dozed off.

10 minutes later I woke up, asked for some juice and a cold cloth for my forehead. I wanted to be WIDE AWAKE for this one, let me tell ya'.

Like on our wedding day. The only thing that really mattered to me was the church part. I wanted to make sure I was fully aware and conscious and present for our vows. And I was - I remember every single detail of those moments as though I'm living them again right now. That's how I wanted to be during my little boy's birth.

Present.

Conscious.

It was time to push.

Selena talked us through various positions (wild positions! My God, I never would have imagined!) and I tried them all. She had to coach me as to where exactly to focus my push on (can you believe that?! It's quite funny now, but at the time I was terribly embarrassed - I didn't know where to focus my pushing! Selena piped up, "Of course you don't - you've never done it before. That's why I'm here." And I immediately felt more at ease and was able to relax and just go for it.)

She was a gem. She totally rocked. It was so nice and intimate, just the three of us in the delivery room. I had a wicked headache by this time though. And it was stealing my attention away from the birth. All I could feel was my head pounding. It felt like the worse hangover headache ever in the history of the world. It was, suddenly, all I could focus on. That damned headache. And whenever the cold cloth fell off my forehead, which was every four seconds, I'd ask for it to be put back on.

And not always very politely.

And Donald would put it back on.

And Selena would coach me in pushing.

And I would push.

And the cloth would fall off.

And I'd lose my focus.

And I'd get cranky.

Until I can't remember what happened to the cloth. It just disappeared. Or my focus returned. Or I realized that my baby boy was *this* much closer to being on the "outside"!

Either way, we pushed and pushed and got into different positions and pushed some more.

My husband was so strong for me. Coaching me along with Selena. And it was so nice when she had to step out the odd time, for just him and I to be there alone, pushing, breathing, focusing, birthing our baby boy!

Those were amazing moments that I'll cherish forever. Like the moments we said our vows.

Donald stayed "up above" with me. He told me later on that one of the things that kept him focused was watching Selena's face; her reaction each time a push brought Oscar further down. Apparently she lit right up. She was so encouraging. So amazing.

Another gal that was born to do this.

It's now been two hours of solid pushing.

She went to get the OB for an assessment.

The two hours of pushing, his position in the birth canal, married with the previous 55 hours of labour, was cause for concern.

Apparently.

He wasn't far enough down and they didn't want me to push anymore. The "norm" is 2 to 2.5 hours before there's an intervention - in my case anyways. I was shocked. I didn't think that there would be a time limit of 2 hours on pushing. But I see why. Now.

Dr. Yu was fantastic. She said, in a nutshell, that mom and baby were tired. We had spent 55 hours trying to get to this point, and we were both too tired to push any more.

She said we were looking at forceps or c-section. And she really wanted to avoid c-section. As did we. But we also wanted to avoid forceps!

But not meant to be.

We asked her if we could push another 1/2 hour and that's what we did. We knew we wouldn't push enough for him to come out, but at least we could help to bring him down a little more.

Next thing I knew, the army came in. The wonderful people who surrounded us to bring Oscar here safely. I was frozen me even more (I was all good until I saw the stirrup-like things for my legs. Jesus Christ.), and given a few moments for it to take effect.

Dr. Yu was all set. She asked me to push. I looked at Donald. I pushed with everything I had in me. And out his head came! And I could feel it! I pushed one more time and his shoulders came out. And I could feel that too! He was here! And I felt it! (I was so happy that I got to feel it, that I could feel him being born, even just a little) (trust me... I only wanted to feel it a little!). Donald jumped up and said he's here and for me to look and there he was, they were lifting him up. He was huge! And he was so long! That was my son down there!

And then he started to cry. And then I started to cry. I totally freaked out. That's my baby! Oh my God. That's my baby. That's our Oscar. It was magical. I was looking at this little being who had been inside of me for 41 weeks and here he was, in front of me. He made it. We made it.

He was COVERED in meconium. Absolutely covered. They promptly placed him on my chest and then realized he had swallowed a bit of it and took him off to the side to suction. They work so fast! All hands on deck. It was amazing to watch really, in hindsight, how they operate. It's like a ballet. They work so well together and so in sync. Just awesome.

However, at the time it was terrifying. My little guy had to be suctioned. Again and again and again. Over and over and over. And given oxygen. But in between all this suctioning, he was placed back on my chest twice!

Until he started to spit up brown frothy stuff and they'd take him away again, to the side, to suction and check on.

Donald did manage to get quite a few photos though, of him being weighed (8.4 lbs!) and measured (21 3/4 inches!) and of him on my chest.

Not only did he swallow a bit of meconium, but his little lungs were filled with amniotic fluid. Apparently during a natural birth alot of the fluid gets squeezed out of him when he's being squeezed out through the birth canal. And also alot of fluid comes out with their crying. (Who knew?!). But not so in this case. Not so for Oscar.

The pediatrician was telling me all of this, I think, or she told Donald and he told me later. Either way, next thing I knew, he was being taken to the nursery for care.

Donald went with him.

I saw the placenta in a container and fell asleep crying.

Going into this, from the get go, I was ok with whatever had to happen during delivery as long as it meant my little guy would be ok. That he'd make it here. That we'd both be safe. I was in no way, however, prepared for the level of trauma I'd feel seeing my son in an emergency situation. Nor how alone I'd feel, how utterly alone in the world I'd feel as I watched him being wheeled out of the room and away from me. If I was going through this, I thought, imagine how alone HE must feel. Coming into this world in such an abrupt manner, having to be suctioned, taken away from his mom so quickly... that all made my trauma that much worse. I hated that fact that he was alone. Yes, his dad was with him, but for 41 weeks my heartbeat would comfort him, and now that he needed comfort more than ever, that precious sound wasn't there. It was awful. It was horrendous. The only thing that kept me sane was the fact that he was getting the medical care that he so needed. And that his Dad was with him and talking to him and holding his little hand when he could.

As I'm writing this, Oscar is lying in his Amby next to me, snoring away, happy as a clam and healthy as a horse. And I make sure we have lots of skin-on-skin time. And he still falls asleep on my chest to the sound of my heartbeat. My little guy. He made it.

But the trauma was far from over. The emotional trauma was just setting in. We still had DAYS to go.

2009-02-26T19:57:00.000-08:00

So just imagine that 24 hours out of TWENTY-FOUR HOURS it feels as though you are being cut by a few HUNDRED razor blades on your NIPPLES.

That's what I'm going through.

It hurts so much I'm walking around crying. EVEN WHEN I'M NOT BREASTFEEDING.

So I'm hunkered down for a few days, hiding from everyone, probably not going to answer the phone or check email or blog. Too Much Pain.

Went to BC Women's again thismorning to the lactation consultant. Had a different lady today - she told me to stop both the topical and liquid Nystatin as it's simply not strong enough for the Thrush anymore and to get Miconazole instead (Which is pretty much Monistat). Put it on before and after feeding (apparently he won't spit this up as he doesn't ingest it or whatever) (can't really explain much right now as I'm in too much pain to think), like I was originally doing with the Nystatin.

If I don't see an improvement in 48 hours, I'm to pick up a prescription for Diflucan (Fluconazole). That's the big-assed pill you get when you have a yeast infection... it's pulling out the big guns. No messing around.

I'm calling my GP tomorrow to see if she will call it in for me to have on reserve.

This has just got to end. I can't believe the pain. Let alone the time it takes to feed my little guy.

20 minutes right breast (seriosuly, like clockwork he pulls off after 20 minutes most of the time), two seconds to gulp down the pumped milk (usually about 20-30 ml only), then 20 minutes back on right breast. Then 30-40 minutes to burp, clean, change, and try to sooth to sleep. Then 30 mintues to pump 10 ml for crying out loud. Then I get to sleep for 1/2 hour and it starts all over.

All in a day's work as a mom I suppose! And it's only just starting. Wait till he starts to drive!!!! :)
Once this clears up everything will seem more hopeful as I won't have to pump, which takes SO MUCH TIME (also have to sterilize everything afterwards - the pumping and maintenance takes about 40 mintues which I'll be incredibly grateful to get back!), just right now it's extremely stressful because of the blinding pain.

Oy.

S.

2009-02-24T18:34:00.000-08:00

That picture is a much prettier thrush than the one I've got going on. Well, the only site of it is in Oscar's mouth and it's not that bad, but still.....

So, just how long does it take to get rid of thrush anyways? I've been on the meds since Friday but my nipples are still on FIRE and the white spots are still all over Oscar's gums and tongue. They haven't lessened at all.

Here's the scoop on the medication:

I was told by the lactation consultant to put the Nystatin topical cream on nipples and areola before and after each feeding until symptoms clear (plus 2 more days).

I also have to give Oscar 1 ml of the liquid Nystatin four times a day after nursing (which he loves).

BUT, he's spit up globs of the Nystatin cream twice now and it's making me very nervous. Seriously, it comes up in a big GLOB. A big yellow glob.

The doctor's prescription noted to only apply the cream twice a day after a feeding, so that's what I'm going to do to avoid my little guy having it sitting in his stomach. It just can't be that good for him if it's sitting there in a pile until he throws it up.

I'm going to see a community nurse in the morning (and hopefully meet other new moms!) and will ask her what she thinks. I'm also going back to the lactation consultant on Thursday so I'll bring it up during our visit as well. After all, her directions for the remedy and application are on BC Women's Hospital letterhead, so they've got to be on to something, but I really would like to know why they recommend one method and my GP recommends another.

I want it to clear up, and soon but I don't want to see Oscar sick with the stuff.

Any suggestions?

In the meantime, Donald has just brought me back some cabbage to put in my bra to ease some of the soreness and burning. I shall report back.

2009-02-22T13:36:00.000-08:00

Oscar's Birth Story. Part Two.
(Go to Part One.)

So I had the morphine shot and was in and out (mostly in) of sleep until about 3am or so. This is now February 5. I woke up at one point and saw Donald making is "bed" on the floor and heard a bit of another birth (horrifying: the part I heard was, "Get this fucking thing out of me." It scared me because it just sounded so violent.)

Michelle and a new resident, Dr. Dunn, came in to check on me. The cervidil was removed, my cervix was checked and I was now dilated 2 centimetres! Success! A bit of sadness that it was only 2 cm, also a bit of relief that I didn't really feel any of it. Phew.

Dr. Dunn (nice doctor - very technical but also personable) inserted another cervidil and it didn't hurt this time. I was all tense ready for the discomfort, but there was none. She wasn't yanking me around in there and twisting and turning. Or, if she was, she had more practice.

And much better bedside manners than the previous resident that was monitoring me. She had been nice and everything, but was not really, uh, gentle.

Anyway, 2nd cervidil in and back to sleep for a while, until the contractions started again and Donald brought me Timmies:

Donald then went for lunch and we had a new nurse on... Sarah. She was delightful! She also teaches a prenatal class that my girlfriend took, Belly to Baby. I was so excited to hear that this RN was the same gal. My girlfriend was SO hoping she'd be on my team in the hospital. And she was! Donald and I both just loved her. She has a magic touch. And she's funny as hell. I was in great hands, once again. I could rest easy knowing that I was being looked after in the best way possible. I had no worries.

Sarah rocked so much that she found me a room to shower. I tell you, it felt sooooooo good.

Until the contractions started again.

Fast and furious. From 0 to 60. Just. Like. That.

Ouch.

I somehow made it back to my room in one piece, grabbed the birthing ball, and prayed for Donald to get back from having a bite to eat before I died.

And he did!

He walked in to this:

That was it. It was now about noon I think. I just couldn't do it freestyle any more. One second I was saying No to Sarah for the drugs and the next second, right now, I was hollering for her on the little bell thing. And she entered the room like an angel. I swear I heard harps and trumpets! I told her I didn't think I could do it anymore. Just. Too. Much. Pain.

That was it. That's all it took. She was in motion. I was moved to Delivery Room #8 (we had the number 8 all around us during this time. It was bizarre. It means fortune apparently. Just thought I'd mention it...), and the IV and epidural were administered right away.

Ahhhhh.

Here's how good I felt about the decision:

And just so you know, the epidural doesn't hurt at all. They put a little prior freezing in, which stings for a second, but the epidural? No pain. At all. The worse part of it was AFTER the fact when they are taking it out.

Let me rephrase... taking it out doesn't hurt either, but it's removing the huge bandage that has it stuck to your back, THAT hurts. You know, the whole ripping a band aid off thing. And it doesn't hurt that bad really, but it just goes to show...

So, epidural in, I'm relaxed and feel no pain. Donald was watching the monitor and a huge contraction just hit and I felt nothing. I was smiling and talking.

Ahhhh. I'm in good hands.

Oxytocin drip on the go now too. Then my water was broken (holy cow... talk about the biggest pair of chopsticks known to man!).

And now?

Sarah's shift was over. Boo hoo. But she had told us that she'd try to find us a rockin' nurse, and in walked Selena! My god, they were good to us. These are three ladies that I'd love to have lunch with downtown. Lunch and martinis. We were so impressed with them and just fell in love with them all! Delightful gals, wonderful nurses, and great human beings.

So, back to the labour... I hope I have the details right, but I think they put the oxytocin drip on 6 right away and that got the contractions going a bit more, but when they moved it up to 8, Oscar's heart rate dropped so they stopped and were monitoring very closely. They tried it again a bit later but it dropped once more, so back to 6 it was.

As 6 wasn't doing much (I think it's 6 ml they're talking about to get the contractions moving faster and closer together) and 8 seemed to put distress on Oscar, they started talking about inserting something through my cervix, past his head and down his side. I can't for the life of me remember what this was but it sounded horrendously invasive. But, if it was necessary, it was necessary.

But it wasn't!

When Selena was on a break and I was napping the nurse had put the oxytocin drip up to 10 and Oscar was fine. And things were a movin' and a shakin'. Everything started to come together. I was dilated to 4 now. It was about 8pm or so.

Next thing it's 11pm and I'm dilated 9 cm.

Holy Shit.

I'm about to have a baby.

Selena called in the OB and the rest of the team for me to meet everyone. They were wonderful. The room was set up in no time. Donald was by my side. At midnight we started to push.

Everything up to this point felt surreal. More like a process. I had to remove myself from it all, in a way, to preserve my sanity, all the while staying connected to my son. And telling him what was going on every step of the way. Feeling that heart connection (also to preserve my sanity!). But I couldn't allow myself to really FEEL the weight of what was happening. I'd be a crying hysterical mess if I did. Just the trauma wrapped around it all (of the induction and the poking and prodding and his heart rate dropping and and and....). It was difficult to stay grounded, but I had to, so it was easy as well. Bizarre, hey? This was about a human being that needed to be safe and cared for so he'd be born ok. When you take it down to that primal level, staying grounded was easy. When I focussed on HIM. When I focussed on ME, it was another story. That's when the panic would have set in.

But now? We were about to have a baby! Oscar was about to be born! Things were happening, not passively but actively! I was present, I was involved, my husband was ready and holding me and encouraging me and this was our last few moments, EVER, as "just us". In a very short while, our whole life would change. So I stepped out of my grogginess and jumped in with both feet.

Oscar was on his way.

2009-02-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

Oscar doesn't smell.

I mean, he sure does when he poops, and his head does after he spits up (boy does it ever), but he doesn't have that baby smell.

I was looking forward to that smell. My friend's babies all have that smell. Why not Oscar? Where does the baby smell come from?

Or is it simply the Johnson & Johnson that makes babies smell, and Oscar doesn't because I don't use those products?

What's going on? Why doesn't my baby smell like baby?

2009-02-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

I've been having a horrendous time breastfeeding. Sore nipples galore. Like, horribly sore. Especially one side. But I was pushing through, somehow, until thismorning.

It was the 4am feed that pushed me over the edge.

Usually, the pain passes in a few minutes. Not this time. Oscar's little bottom lip just grazed my nipple and I screamed out in pain. And the tears started.

Mine, not Oscar's.

And didn't stop until I was on my way to the lactation specialist at BC Women's at 10:30.

It was just awful. I knew the latch was ok, in my heart I knew it. Everything was a go. He was set up well. He was latched well. So why the pain? And especially on the one breast? I mean, seering, seething pain that was so incredible it actually ran up my left arm and down my back.

That sort of pain.

Why can't I get this breastfeeding thing down? The latch seems ok, why can't I do it? Why can't I feed my son properly? I'm a bad mother. I suck. I'm a wimp. Everyone else does it, why can't I? Why the pain? What's wrong with me?

So that was it. I called my girlfriends for help. One of them recommended that I call the Lactation consultant at BC Women's and let them know about the pain and that I was ready to throw in the towel and hopefully they'd get me in to see them thismorning.

And they did.

And it was a success.

I have thrush.

Me and Oscar both have thrush.

I'm so grateful that it's something. That we can put our finger on it and treat it and I can continue to breastfeed.

I was *this* close to ending it all and turning to pumping & bottle feeding, that's how bad the pain was. And that's saying something as I was so looking forward to exclusive breastfeeding.

And I still can! I am feeding Oscar from the right breast only for now, pumping the left and feeding Oscar that milk through a bottle. Putting a topical cream (antifungal) on the right breast before feeding so he gets it too, and putting it on again (both breasts though) after feeding so I continue to get the medication. And, Oscar gets even more in liquid form after feeding via a q-tip soaked in it and rubbed all over his lips, gums, cheeks, tongue, basically all throughout his mouth.

And he's such a trooper that he doesn't mind. He doesn't mind the ointment on my nipple, the liquid in his mouth, he took to the bottle no problem and continues to enjoy the breast.

He's such a good boy. I'm blessed really. I can handle two weeks of this. My little guy is thriving and I will again too.

You have no idea how relieved I am that it's only a yeast infection and not the end of breastfeeding.

Phew.

One thing I do wish, however, is that the hospital would have let me know that the antibiotics I received during delivery may lead to thrush and what to look out for. That would have saved me alot of tears and terror over the last 24 hours.

S.

2009-02-16T08:25:00.001-08:00

Oscar's Birth Story. Part One.

I don't know how many "parts" to this story there will be. Could be three only, as we were in the hospital for three days leading up to his birth. Could be four or five parts, as there are many instances in between that deserve telling. Could be a few more as there are also a few ~~moments~~ days following his birth (while still in hospital) that need to be mentioned in order to do him (and me) justice. And may aid in healing and clearing for both mom and son.

It wasn't an easy ordeal. Oscar's actual birth and the following days were quite traumatic for both of us, and for Dad too, to see his wife in such pain - the physical pain of, well, labour, induction and delivery, forceps, episiotomy and hemorrhoids, as well as (and much more painful) the emotional pain of being separated from her child for what seemed like an eternity.

It was joyous though, I mean, my son was born. He made it! He's healthy. He's safe. He has 10 fingers and 10 toes (although his big toe is so HUGE I think it counts as two). And looking back, it was a beautiful experience, bringing a child into the world. A little being. A glorious creature (and such a gorgeous boy!)

So off we go with Oscar's Birth Story....

On February 3 we had an appointment at BC Women's for an ultrasound an monitoring as we were officially one week overdue.

First up was the monitoring. A fetal heart monitor was strapped to my belly to hear his heartbeat. It was all good. It was in the 130's. I had to click a button when I felt him move - they wanted to count the movements within a certain time frame (an hour I think). So that was all good as well. No problems, all was well. (Although Donald and I did find that the nurse who was working with us treated him like a moron. Trying to talk all "sporty" to him... comparing the uterus to a football, then something else to a baseball game, just ridiculous and rather insulting actually. She must be used to men/husbands/partners who aren't as involved or as knowledgeable maybe.).

Next up was the ultrasound. What they found with this was that the amniotic fluid was low. "Moderately" low. Enough to get another opinion and send us to admitting to chat with the OB on call.

I was more curious than nervous. I knew that if there was a panic, we were in the right place!

Off we went to admitting and were greeted by a fantastic nurse, Selena. (who factors into Oscar's birth much later...)

Now, Donald and I are HUGE on customer service and so the way Selena was attentive to us and popped her head out into the waiting room to tell us she was heading for lunch and that Dr. Rosengarden would be out after he finishes up with a c-section meant the world to two people who weren't quite sure what came next. We fell in love with her then and there!

Next up, Dr. Rosengarden came out and met us and off we went behind curtain #3. He explained that they weren't overly concerned with rushing an induction that very day because the fluid was only moderately low and that we could wait until our scheduled induction on Friday Feb 6 OR, we could be admitted the next day to start the induction. He checked my cervix and it was shut tight (I do believe it was because I could hear a woman labouring behind curtain #2.... but I digress.)

Donald and I took a few minutes to ourselves and opted for being admitted the following day, Wednesday Feb 4.

At this point Oscar was safer on the outside than the inside. And two additional days of stressing would be worse on all of us.

So we went home, repacked our hospital bag, ordered take out, snuggled down for the night knowing that it would be our last night at home as just us. At about 8:00pm Donald ran to Safeway to grab something. I was curled up on the couch reading.

And I had a contraction.

At first I didn't know what it was, but 15 minutes later another one came. And it hurt. And 15 minutes later another one came.

And it hurt bad.

I was going to call Donald to come home when he walked through the door. We waited and watched for about another hour before we admitted to ourselves that I was actually in labour. Finally! Labour started naturally! YAY!

OUCH!

YAY! It was starting! I might not need to be induced!

They got more frequent, stronger, and closer together. By the time they were 6 minutes apart, we were completely convinced we'd be in the hospital by midnight. So we got ready:

(All dressed and ready to go. One of the last pictures of me pregnant.)

And then they slowed down.

To 12 minutes apart. 15 minutes apart. 20 minutes apart. So we got undressed and crawled into bed. I managed to get snippets of 10 minutes of sleep in between contractions (it's pretty stressful just waiting for the next one!), and next thing you know it's morning and the hospital called and wanted us to come in for the induction.

So off we went, contractions speeding up again to about 10 minutes apart.

We got there at about 10am, were admitted and in our temporary room by 10:30am, consulted with the induction nurse, then the Resident, then my OB popped in to chat with me about what to expect that day.

I thought I'd have my little guy in my arms by the end of the day! Boy, was I wrong. I had researched induction and all the drugs they use and options there are... but I neglected to research what to expect on the physical side of things, and the time frame.

I'm glad I went into it blind in that respect.

Really glad.

At noon, Dr. Yin (Resident) came in and inserted the cervidil.

Not a pleasant experience. AT ALL. It's a wafer-like thing with a string. It felt like she was wrapping the string around my cervix for crying out loud - and she may have been (according to the pic?) - whatever she was doing was really uncomfortable (only to find out later that it doesn't have to be so - or not nearly as bad anyway).

And then the waiting game started.

And the waiting game was over very very quickly as contractions started very soon following. At first slowly, only a few an hour, but they were so incredibly painful. I couldn't even open my eyes. Donald turning the pages of the newspaper was driving me over the edge. And then a friend popped in and when I asked for quiet and she started whispering (hello.. quiet means QUIET to a woman in labour, lol!!!), THAT was driving me over the edge. I think Donald must have motioned for her to shhhhh until the contraction was over, because then he was describing to her what I had been going through with each contraction so far. By now it was about 5:00pm. I laid there for another few hours until a FANTASTIC new nurse, Michelle, came on.

Delightful gal. We both just loved her. She was born to do this. She gave us options to move around, walk the halls, use the birthing ball, do whatever I wanted to ease the pain. My OB popped in again before she left for the day offering me drugs to ease the pain.

I turned them down.

Until I didn't.

So off Donald and I went, roaming the halls, listening to all the women either in labour or actually giving birth.

Totally freaky.

Walking around brought on more contractions. Fast and Furious. Ouch Ouch Ouch. We went back to our room and tried out the birthing ball. Michelle popped in to see if I wanted any meds to ease the pain, and once again I declined.

Until I didn't.

So the only thing that seemed to help at this point was leaning over the ball and rocking/swaying my hips a bit.

Until that didn't help any more. Until the contractions were every 3 minutes. Until it felt like my lower body was being ripped in half.

By now it was 9pm. Cervidil had been in for 9 hours. I was in so much pain my knees were buckling. We called for Michelle and she called for Dr. Yin who checked my cervix. I was dilated! YAY!

ONE FREAKIN' CENTIMETRE!

All that pain and I was only 1 cm. Oh my God.

I felt like a failure. A total failure. I mean, if I was screaming for morphine at 1 cm and I still had NINE to go... what does that say about my pain threshold? That I'm a wimp? And here I thought I always had a high threshold for pain? WTF? I seriously felt like a failure.

Until Michelle, bless her, explained induction to me. That contractions were being forced on me, on my body. That the pain of inductions was 3 times that of natural labour (don't get pissed off now, I'm not minimizing natural labour, just telling it like it is, medically, as it was told to me).

When she explained the process and what the cervidil was doing to my body and at the force it was happening, I was back to being myself and got over the failure bit. I felt more like a trooper for lasting that long without drugs. But that was short lived as I realized it was unnecessary and I might be in this pain for another 39 hours. The next contraction felt like the end of my life so I hollared for Michelle and was administered a shot of morphine and gravol and slept for a few hours. (BTW? Getting a needle in the butt was funny in a painful way. I felt like a cartoon strip. Go figure.)

That was pretty much Day 1. Donald and I survived Day 1 of induction. Thanks in a great part to our nurse, Michelle. And our patience with each other and his encouragement of me.

I've never had to lean on someone so much in my life. To be able to just let go and not worry about judgement as I got cranky (turning pages of newspaper!!), was completely new to me. To totally let go and just be how I needed to be, let the organic process happen with my emotions, have someone as patient and strong as Donald to hold me up when I felt like I was falling... is the ultimate of unconditional love. We could have moved mountains that day, I swear. Nobody else mattered. It was just me and him bringing our baby into this world.

S.

(Read Part 2)

2009-02-15T20:51:00.001-08:00

So I thought Oscar just hated diaper changes, but we noticed tonight that his bum is getting red.

Seems to be the start of diaper rash.

He just screams when we put him on the change table, let alone try to clean his bum.

Oh my heart.

Any suggestions? More baths? Less baths? Diaper rash cream when butt wet or dry?

We're pretty much doing what "they" tell us to do (air dry, diaper cream, soft cloth (no wipes), etc) but are looking for any advice, wisdom and/or remedies.

Help!

S.

2009-02-14T17:00:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

Donald and I usually celebrate on Feb 15; we find today to be SO overrated. Long waits at the restaurants, COLD FOOD, over-priced flowers, the list goes on. So we've made Feb 15 our day.

I'm thinking steamed ginger chicken from our favourite take-out joint and just basking in our home with our new family.

It doesn't get better than that.

***

Something I've discovered about newborns? When they pass gas it feels like a volcano erupting and I swear they can hear him in Whistler and smell him in Nunavut.

2009-02-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

Seriously.... how cute is this dude?

Oscar in his Amby. Think we're going to keep to use in the living room area. He likes it more than the bassinet.

Closer up in his Amby.

In daddy's arms. No matter how tired I am at 3:00am and just want to crawl right back into bed when feeding and changing is over, I look into his eyes and I just kiss him and kiss him and chat with him and go on and on and on and I no longer feel tired in those moments. I mean, just LOOK at him!

Milk drunk. We laughed our heads off as he slipped off the nipple and ended up in this pose. I'm thinking a child ~~prodigy~~ model.

2009-02-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

The little dude was up alot last night. He's one hungry monkey! So today will be trying to catch up on sleep while he naps, and while Donald is off buying a shelving unit for his room. We've got so much stuff and nowhere to put it. For example... where in the world do you store pacifiers you aren't planning on using but want to keep as a "just in case"? And same with the teether things that you stick in the freezer. You know, the plastic ones? I'm not comfy putting something plastic in my sons mouth (unless it's clearly marked BPA-free, phthalate-free, etc) (and not even then really), but want to hang on (to the BPA-free ones!) just in case a frozen washcloth doesn't do the trick. We're all about going with the flow and doing what's necessary to ensure Oscar is as healthy and as safe as possible.

We're simply trying to do our best as parents and make conscious decisions where our son is involved.

Personally, I think that's a good thing!

So we have all these little things..... all piling up in Oscar's room (in his crib actually. So where are we going to put them when we finally buy a mattress????)

Ikea rocks for storage solutions so off Daddy goes today.

Had to wear a bra to bed last night. Nipple is still really sore (only one really hurts. And when I say "hurts" I mean, "shoot me now".).

We have received a few baskets from my husband's colleagues that we have yet to open. And a few cute things from friends. No time for thank you cards yet - I haven't even had the time to brush my teeth yet today! - but we have everything piled up in YET ANOTHER corner of Oscar's room and will get to that when we get to it.

Off we go, one day at a time.

S.

2009-02-12T08:09:00.000-08:00

The community nurse came by yesterday for "the visit". I had high hopes. It's a great program run by the Fraser Health Authority. I was so looking forward to getting community information, breastfeeding tips and advice, weighing Oscar (he's back up to 8.1!), and finding out just what services are offered through the Health Authority.

Boy, was I sadly disappointed.

See, it's all in the delivery. And this particular nurse had no bedside manners whatsoever.

Basically, we were interrupting her lunch hour. She was a warden.

The whole time I was thinking, "I bet she's a cat lady". And she was! She has no children, 2 pets, worked at BC Women's in the ICU (babies) a loooooooong time ago, and is a public educator basically.

(I have two cats myself that I'm crazy about and am not meaning this to piss anyone off again.... I just mean the stereotypical "cat lady".)

She was just SO not a people-person.

She did, however, have some great tips and information to pass along. So it IS a great program, but she is just brutal. She was bashing the hospital and the advice we received there (breastfeeding), and totally turned me off of the whole program until I realized it's her, not the program that's broken. So that switched the energetics around the visit and it sailed along after that.

Today Oscar has his first doctor's appointment with my GP. Not sure what to expect with this first visit, other than a general check up, weighing again and perhaps just passing along his discharge papers. I just know it's only been six days since he was born and I'm not ready to take him out of the house yet and into a doctor's office full of sick people! But off we go. It's my issue, not his.

A family member popped by yesterday in an absolute whirlwind. It was good that they got to visit as she only got to hold him once in the hospital before he had to rest for 2 days, and then she got some sort of infection. The rest of the family is probably going to start coming by the end of next week. I need some time to recover physically. I mean, nobody (family or not) needs to see me struggling with my hemorrhoid cushion or getting glimpse of the sitz bath hiding behind my sink. And we're still getting into the groove of things, no need to worry about making tea for company and cleaning up the house before they arrive! We have a little guy to get settled (and his mom!).

Some exciting news: his Great-Godmother is visiting next week! I don't know if there really is such a title, but there you go, there is now. I'm so excited to see her! And so excited for Oscar to meet her! She's a fantastic woman who let me eat sugar cereal growing up when the cereal we had at home was supplemented with WHEAT GERM! (God Mom, what were you thinking?! I mean, I use it now myself, but still.....)

Haven't downloaded any pictures yet, but my brother's girlfriend has some good ones that I'm waiting for so hopefully one of us will get to it shortly!

2009-02-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

I swear to God, Oscar DOES exist and we'll be posting pictures of him soon.

The ones we have are of him in the incubator and I don't want that energy perpetuated through this blog. Only healthy thoughts here! Some will be emailed to me soon and I'll post a few up here.

He's just too gorgeous not to.

On another note: Oscar pooped on the floor last night. Well, first he pooped all down my robe and then onto the floor. How do they do this? He had already gone and I had cleaned him and had to pick him up from the change table to reach for something and there it was.

Poop all over mom.

And the floor.

I can't remember for the life of me why I didn't have a diaper on him. Oh, wait, I know.... because HE HAD JUST POOPED FIVE MINUTES PRIOR.

S.

2009-02-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

You know what's absolutely magical?

Sitting up late at night when the house is quiet, the neighbourhood even quieter, and the only sound you hear is the sound of your son quietly feeding at your breast.

Night #1 at home was fantastic. We're finding our way. Coordinating the diaper change is the funniest (and most time-consuming) thing. Oscar is not a fan. Babies are so squirmy!

Poor Donald... when O's poop started to change from the black tar of meconium to the green "stuff" that it now is (that STICKS to his bottom), I thought he was going to have a heart attack. I've never seen it either, but I mean, poop is poop. What's the deal?

And speaking of poop....

I do believe the universe is getting back at me for choosing to have an epidural for childbirth, by making me go through absolute hell in the pain that comes with the first bowel movement post-birth.

Not good times.

Perhaps tonight we can order take-out from The Banana Leaf.

Works every time.

And now? Time to wake up Oscar for his snacky.

S.

PS: LOVE your comments! Love the positivity behind all of them! Thanks so much for thinking of us enough to leave a note.

S.

2009-02-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

Oscar's home!

We came home from hospital today. FINALLY!

Feels wonderful to be a family in our home. Feels so different. Feels right.

Oscar Joshua Yen-Jo Lee was born on February 6 at 3:05am at BC Women's Hospital. He was a very surprising weight of 8.4 lbs and was 21 & 3/4 inches. Long baby.

Big baby.

Laboured for 55 hours. Loved every minute of it. It simply meant that he was that much closer to being here! (Don't get me wrong, the labour pains were something fierce.. but much more on that later.)

It was quite the traumatic birth for the little guy, and very traumatic for me as I couldn't be with him right away, and couldn't start feeding him until about 36 hours later... but he's ok, (he was the "Big Kid on Campus" in the intermediate nursery!), he's home, he's healthy, he's a monster at breastfeeding, he's a devil at peeing on his own face, he has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, and he is, quite simply, Love.

More, much more, later. For now, it's time to nap with my little guy.

2009-02-04T08:53:00.001-08:00

Off to the hospital!

12 hours of early labour in the "comfort" of my own home and the induction nurse just called. I told her that labour actually started on it's own and she recommended we come in right away all the same as we're 8 days over. As labour has quieted down a bit for me, I might need some help to get it moving again (drip perhaps). Which means.... We'll be admitted!

Won't have to worry about being sent home. Phew! Somewhere to lay my hat until our son is here!

And another fantastic piece of news... my OB is on today! Looks like she'll deliver if things go well.

S.

2009-02-03T23:37:00.000-08:00

Labour has started. Contractions are fast and furious. Can't get comfortable. I guess just the mere thought of being induced, induced me! :)

Oh God, here comes another one....
s.

2009-02-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

*Update*

Very briefly as we're having a quiet night together at home.... We're being induced tomorrow. The Non-Stress Test was all good, but when I had the ultrasound, it showed the amniotic fluid was a bit low (moderately low). So, after a consult with the on-call OB, it was left to us whether we wanted to go ahead with induction tomorrow, or wait until Friday.

We chose tomorrow.

For a few reasons.

He's ready. He's 41 weeks in there!
We don't want to take a chance that we're doing him any harm at all by leaving him alone in there for 3 more days. Might be only three days, but still.... (with this going on, it's better he comes out than stays in)
Waiting until Friday to induce would mean constant bed rest for me and also back and forth to the hospital for monitoring (so I guess not constant bed rest!)
My stress about the above point would, in our opinion, be worse on him.
It is, simply, time.

Cervix is still not dilated. I think it might have been but when we were in the Assessment area, there was a woman in labour and it friggin' freaked me out so much that my cervix immediately closed!!! :)

The induction will start with a pill called Cervidol. It apparently softens the cervix. It's also on a string, so if things move along too fast, it can be removed. The OB called it, wait for it now.... "soap on a rope". I thought that was hilarious.

Anyway, they'll insert that, watch me for an hour or so, and if nothing, send me home for a while. Then I'll go back 6 hours later for another one. If that one doesn't take I think the oxytocin starts. OR, if I'm finally dilated a bit they'll break the water or do the membrane sweep. I'm not a candidate for oxytocin at this point because the cervix isn't ripe enough for it.

Or something.

Can't remember it all right now, nor the exact order of things, just that it's all starting tomorrow!

As upsetting as it may be that labour is being induced, it also means that my son is that much closer to being safely in my arms. As a friend once said when talking about bringing children into this world, "It doesn't matter HOW they get here... just that they do."

Exactly.

I may post in the morning, or when we come home/IF we come home to wait for the Cervidol to kick in, but who knows how the next day or so will go.

Best bet is to stay tuned via twitter!

One week overdue.

Off to hospital in a few minutes for ultrasound and monitoring... to make sure all is well with him in there. Hopefully my OB will be there and we can chat about the tentative induction on Friday - what the procedures are, what they'll start with (ie: membrane sweep if I'm dilated at all? Prostaglandin gel? Oxytocin?), how it all works.

If all is well with everything today; if placenta looks good, fluid looks good, heart is beating at whatever rate is normal at this point, all that good stuff.... then we'll be sent home with a date and time for induction IF it doesn't start on it's own.

And on my side... if that's the case, I'm meeting up with Dr. Tanya again this week, and I've been chatting with a bodyworker to look into Bowen Therapy and if it can help induce labour naturally. I'm still fighting the good fight to have things happen naturally! (Hmmmm, I used the word "fighting"... perhaps I should change the languaging!)

Having bizarre dreams still. But it's good: they're showing me places I still have to work on before baby comes. For example? Two nights ago I dreamt that a woman wouldn't give me by son back. She was holding him and when I went to get him, she turned away with him in her arms and did not want to give him to me.

Not good. I woke up completely panicked and mad and really upset. And remained that way for a few hours until I got a bit of advice via Twitter.

And then last night I dreamt that I was fighting a female vampire. Woke up thismorning wondering who is sucking the energy out of me. Who's the energetic vampire in my life?

Good news?

I won the battle.

So I know I'm on solid ground with myself.

By the way, I've set up Twitter on my cell phone so I can text in updates along the way. If you want to follow along with the labour and delivery (well, I dare say I won't be texting during delivery!), you can follow me on Twitter, or check this blog often and look on the right sidebar to the Twitter update box.

All for now, time to hit the road!

S.

2009-02-02T21:08:00.001-08:00

40 weeks 6 days.

Went for acupuncture round #2 today with Dr. Tanya. It was different. Something has shifted. Can't quite put my finger on it, other than the fact that I'm SO READY (!) and perhaps it will all happen very soon. Perhaps he'll decide that it's time and things will start moving along. Like right now. Ok, Ok, wishful thinking.

Both Dr. Tanya and my mom seem to think I've dropped even more. I didn't think there was any more room to drop, lol!

I'm having alot of cramping and pressure happening, but, alas, still no labour.

He's still very very active in there. As for me, I'm not so active. It takes so much energy just sitting down for crying out loud! More of the mucus plug is breaking up (at least I think that's what's happening!). And yet, still no labour. Argh.

Tomorrow morning we're off to BC Women's for the ultrasound and monitoring. We'll learn more at that point - and I'll get to see him again! - and I'll have lots of info to digest and research. Started to look into medical inductions earlier thismorning so will keep up with it tomorrow (if all looks good with him and we aren't admitted!) so I have a clear picture of what exactly we're in for... IF we have to go that route.

All for now. Time to crawl into bed and hope I can sleep for more than 2 hours straight! (I'm sure I'll be saying that in a week or so too... but for a much better reason!)

2009-02-01T18:08:00.000-08:00

40 weeks 5 days.

I am SO restless. We both are. It's like knowing a Vegas trip is only 2 days away.

Only better.

And scarier. Hey, at least I know what to expect in Vegas!

I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow so we'll see if that moves things along. Plus it's just a bonus to visit with Dr. Tanya. And have a nice, relaxing session. You know really, I can do as much of this as I want but the truth is, it's either going to happen naturally or it's not. Simple as that. He'll arrive in the way that he's supposed to arrive. I don't have much say in it. Other than putting off any medical interventions for as long as it's safe to. I'm not about to jeopardize his health and safety in any way so I'll definitely do what needs to be done. But only when it needs to be done.

Donald is pretty much done work now except for going in for a few hours early tomorrow morning. At least I'll have company in my restlessness until labour starts. ~~IF it starts on it's own.~~ WHEN it starts on it's own.

We're going to be all prepared (I've got to work on being emotionally prepared) for Tuesday and the possibility that we may be admitted and induced. (First time on this site?: If I don't go into labour NOW (ok, ok, I have until tomorrow), we go in on Tuesday for an ultrasound and monitoring. If there's anything that makes the doctors uncomfortable with what they might see/find, we'll be admitted.) So we're doing laundry, cleaning up our room, making sure cats are fed, all that good stuff on Tuesday morning.

Just in case.

Whatever it takes to make sure he arrives safely. Count me in.

2009-01-30T16:00:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I was attended a workshop with friends. I hung out with one friend in particular during all the classes. Before the classes began, there was always music played. He was waiting and waiting for one song in particular – always hoping for that song to be played. Forever waiting.

He’d hold the song book open to “Song #11” as soon as he arrived in the room. He’d hold the vision of “Song #11” in his mind’s eye so he could see it. He’d think of how much he loves Song #11 so it would shine brightly in his heart. He was clutching at it. Holding it soooo tight.

By the last day of the workshop he gave up. They hadn’t played Song #11. “I guess I’ll just have to let it go”, he said. “Maybe that’s exactly it”, I said to him. Maybe you’re holding on to it so tightly that it can’t get out.

What do you know? The band entered the room. They played Song #11.

We laughed our heads off. We still laugh our heads off. Now I call it the Song #11 syndrome.

I’m trying to be conscious of this syndrome right now, being a few days overdue. I mean yes, I LOVE being pregnant. Yes, I LOVE feeling him moving inside of my belly – and watching him there! And yes, I do know that he’s coming out – one way or another, he’s coming out – but I’ll have to envision him on the outside! Feel him in my arms instead of in my womb. “See” him in my house, instead of in my body. And hope that it starts moving labour along.

In the same category? I’m reading a book called The Pregnant Man, (it’s about hypnotism not about this pregnant man) and just last night I read the chapter about the actual “Pregnant Man” and how it all came to be. What happened is he went to a hypnotist to quit smoking and towards the end of a session, the practitioner asked him to imagine “the person he would like to be. Into his mind popped a picture of a pregnant woman (I won’t get into all the details of his history right now). Next thing you know, he’s got all the symptoms of a pregnancy: enlarged breasts, pregnant belly, nausea, etc.

So how he overcame this and corrected it was abandoning the imagery from one of being pregnant, to one of someone who had already been through labour and birth. And then his body went back to normal.

Hey... it’s worth a try!

2009-01-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

Forty plus One.

40 weeks and 1 day.

Went to see the doctor today; had only one question: If water breaks at home can I still have a shower?

Now, I know that there's only an 8-15% chance of membranes rupturing before labour, but I thought I had read somewhere that you shouldn't have a bath or shower if they do, because of infection. AND, I don't want to go to the hospital looking like I do when I crawl out of bed in the morning. Vain, I know....

Showering is no problem. And that lead to the rest of the conversation that put everything it it's place:

If the water breaks and it's clear, put a pad on and go back to bed (or carry on with your day) until labour starts. If labour hasn't started within 24 hours, go to hospital. If water breaks and it's a bit green or brown or seriously pink/red, go to hospital (which we learned in the prenatal class). Either way, as this is our first, I'm calling the hospital, lol!

She asked if I wanted a membrane sweep and I said no. I'd rather wait to see if labour starts on it's own (I'm only one day overdue after all. And who says, really, that I'm overdue? It's a science, but not an exact science), or go through some more natural methods of induction to get things started. She checked to see if/how dilated I am and I'm not at all. Cervix is posterior and closed completely, so we wouldn't have done the sweep anyway (major discomfort for me apparently if cervix is closed). I mentioned my Chinese doctor (Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine... not just that she's Chinese, lol!) and I'd probably pop in for some acupuncture to see if that helps get things moving. (Plus I haven't seen her since I was just four months along and I rather miss her!) I'm also going to call my massage therapist as there are pressure points that may help.

So, I'll do both of these as soon as I can. So nice and relaxing as well! That alone may help!

On the medical side, if I haven't had the baby by Monday (Feb 2), I'll go in to BC Women's for an ultrasound on Tuesday (Feb 3). If all looks fine and dandy, I'll be left alone until Friday (Feb 6) at which point I'll be induced, medically (if nothing has happened naturally by that point). If there is any concern, however, with the ultrasound and monitoring (with fluid, or heartbeat, or or or??), I'll be admitted and induced at that point.

Once I got back in my body after that chat I realized those are NOT NEXT STEPS! They are an "in case" scenario. Even she said that most times everything happens naturally and there are no medical interventions needed but they do want to see the little guy on Tuesday to make sure all is well.

But I'm a worrier.

So what I have to do is simply switch the energetic around to one that is less of a "Oh God, something is wrong and I need these interventions", to more of a "Wow, aren't we lucky that this medical help is available to us if we need it."

So, all in all, it was a really good, really informative appointment today.

And some great news?

My Godmother is coming out for a visit next month, and my Aunt is coming for a visit it May!

Share your suggestions and thoughts on natural labour inducers or medical intervention in the comments. Would LOVE to get your input!

All for now.

2009-01-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

40 weeks today.

40 weeks. My God. We're due. So come on little guy, we want to meet you!

What's happening:

Well, I have a full size newborn in my belly. I have a completely developed person INSIDE OF ME!

Who is apparently quite content to stay put for a bit more time.

For someone who has hardly any room to move around, especially at this point, he's still really active. I know I've been saying that for a long time now, but seriously, it amazes me just how much he rolls around in there.

And mom?

Heartburn is back with a vengeance. And I don't get any more than 3 hours sleep in a row. I find if I stay up until after Leno and Conan, I sleep until about 6:30 or 7:30am, but if I fall asleep during George, I'm up and roaming around by 3 or 4 a.m. (That's what the Home Shopping Network is for!)

The good news is I'm letting myself do whatever is needed. Whatever my body tells me is needed. So what if I can't sleep? I use that time to chat with him, to feel him move inside of me, to listen to the cats tear the house up, watch the comings and goings of my neighbourhood, and sleep in as long as I need to in order to feel rested.

I'm still enjoying the final days of the pregnancy. I'm a bit bored, feeling so house-bound, so I jaunt out to the mall (which is turning out to be more expensive than the Home Shopping Network!) once in a while, but really, it's not too bad.

I'm just ready, that's all. Not bored I suppose, but ready.

2009-01-26T16:38:00.000-08:00

Gung Hay Fat Choy!!!

Here's what's in store for our little Ox.

Or perhaps I should say what's in store for us!

40 weeks today; it's his "due date". And we've got a snow storm. Just you watch, he'll end up being the punctual one in the family...

Anyone got a 4-wheel drive you care to loan us?

2009-01-25T12:20:00.000-08:00

Just a heads up... I think I've confused everyone with due date.... it's still January 27!

When I mentioned February 4th (on Twitter), I was talking about Chinese New Year and moving from Rat to Ox. THAT is apparaently Feb 4, not Jan 26.

I'm still "due" on Jan 27... Tuesday!

xoxo.
s.

2009-01-23T17:17:00.000-08:00

Had my "last" prenatal doctor appointment today. Unless he doesn't come by the 27th, in which case I have another one on the 28th and we'll take it from there.

This was about 5 minutes in and out, the appointment was that quick. I had no questions, except, of course, "How big does he feel to you?". Good news? He still only feels about 7 - 7.5 lbs. Phew. That's still big, to me, but at least she hasn't said the "8" word....

I've lost 2 lbs, but that's apparently ok and actually quite normal. Who would have thought?

Baby is very far down in my pelvis now. His heartbeat is around 130. My blood pressure is all good. He's not posterior - and let's hope he stays that way!

All is well. It's just a waiting game.

I had a nice chat with him tonight talking about his birth and what his mom and dad's preferences are, and that if he can't feel me physically due to the possibility of an epidural, to know that I'm still there and we're still connected, and Dad is still there on the outside too, waiting to welcome him. I talked with him about his conception and how we had been trying to conceive and were waiting for him and he came at the exact time he was supposed to. When mom was healthy (from a disastrous 1.5 years) and Dad was happy that mom was healthy again! I told him that we're excited to meet him and welcome him and that he can come whenever he's ready.

Come on little guy, we're so excited to meet you!

S.

2009-01-20T15:20:00.000-08:00

39 weeks pregnant!

So thismorning I was up at 5am and glued to CNN for the inauguration when I got a bit of cramping. As I know it's any time now, I looked at the clock to time it. 16 minutes later I got another one.

Next one? 18 minute later at 5:38am. And then I fell asleep again until 6:15.

So no labour after all. But boy, was I excited!

I was talking with my brother thismorning and he asked if I was getting anxious. The only anxiety I'm feeling is because of the fact that I'm such a worrier - I found that I was starting to stress myself out and get all anxious again about unpopular choices and decisions we may make. I do have to remember the quote from my friend, "You are a good Mom, you love your baby, and you are the best person to make these choices, even if your choices aren't popular."

The thing is, I'm not a mom yet, so it's just me, Stephi, stressing about anything and everything. Worrying in advance. That's what I do. About things that haven't even happened, and probably won't happen! Crazy-making, that's what it is. I was chatting with my girlfriend about it - because she never wants to step on any toes, and has put herself out to make sure everyone else is ok HER WHOLE LIFE. A few simple words from her totally cleared the energetics around it for me, and I think it's because she said it wish such passion and conviction: "As soon as your son is born, that will all change. What other people think won't matter." People say that sort of thing all the time, but this was different. The passion she had around it! Beautiful! So I've let it go, and am now enjoying my last few days, stress free and worry free. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.

(Just to be clear, I'm not talking about anything in particular. I mean, I've got earfuls from people about cloth diapers and exclusive breastfeeding; NOT just keeping visitors at bay for a bit of time while we get to know our son.)

As for the labour, I'm actually rather excited about it...because it means he's on his way to us! Donald and I are so thrilled that we're this close to meeting our little guy! We are just beside ourselves and having so much fun. We've grown even closer these last few weeks, and it's been wonderful. The family dynamic has started to set in, could be that we're both nesting, and we're hunkering down.

In case I have a long labour (do NOT want to manifest that!), we have a tag team happening for when Donald needs to step out to get a bite or have a bit of a respite. We are not having a big gathering in the room during labour and delivery! Ewwwww.... viewing a baby coming out of my body is NOT something for anybody but me and my husband!! Just me and my husband and the necessary staff. I don't want to stress about making sure someone is where they're supposed to be or hanging out where they're NOT supposed to be, lol!!! So that's that, except if I need some help when he steps out. And I'm grateful that this person is willing to help because I just don't know what's going to happen, how long it may take, and I want to make sure my husband gets food into him and is doing ok during it all. And me, too.

And, got some good news... my dad is coming out for a visit! So exciting! He's going to try to get out for the one-month party; I so hope he can. If not, it will be a few weeks after that. Everyone is just so excited for the arrival of this little guy. My mom checks in just to make sure all is well, my brother, dad, friends and family from across the country. It's just awesome! I'm sure there'd be massive panic if I didn't get to the phone in time, lol!!!

Hmmmm... would it be bad if I pulled a wildcard?

Baby at 39 weeks: not much to report other than the average is 7 - 7.5 lbs and about 21 inches long. I'm sure there's WAY more to report, but no way of him communicating how he's feeling right now. Except for his happy little kicks! (Although there are new studies coming out about newborn memory and womb-memory, etc.)

Mom at 39 weeks: baby has dropped even more in the past day and I'm having even more difficulty sleeping throughout the night. I have to pee alot - ALOT - and he's just so active!

All for now. Our crib is in so I'm off shopping for a mattress.
s.

2009-01-19T17:19:00.001-08:00

How can I be this hungry when A) I had lunch at 1pm and B) I just had a granola bar.

I'm hungry all the time. And I don't want to eat too much because it all goes to the baby now and I'm terrified he's already bigger than we think. I mean, I'm not going to starve myself or him, but seriously, why am I famished all the time. Everything is done. He's developed. He's a full grown newborn.

Unless it's not hunger pangs but contractions.....

s.

2009-01-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

Oh My God.

I'm done!

I just checked my calendar for the coming week and I've got nothing to do! I don't have to run around picking up this and that for the baby. I don't have anything else to buy, that can't be bought afterwards. I don't have to prepare any dinners to freeze for the first month at home.

Not because I've done that already, but just because I've given up caring.

And I've also given up trying to find space in our freezer. I mean between the lamb and the frozen maxi pads.....

And Donald, thank goodness, looks at me the other night when I was fretting about his friend's yummy meatball recipe that she can't find, and says, "Don't worry honey, one thing we'll never be is hungry." To me, that means he totally just volunteered to cook!

We've cleaned the house top to bottom (Yes! Finally took down the Christmas tree and outdoor lights!) so it's nice and clean and dustless for baby. (Whom I still think is going to come early. We've got 9 days until the "guess date" and he's dropped more. Just noticed thismorning.) Diapers arrived and are put away. Everything is in it's place.

And so now we wait.

2009-01-18T16:20:00.000-08:00

So the s**t has hit the fan.

I've got to apologize to my mom. After my 2nd post about having quiet time with our newborn for a few weeks, she thought it meant that we didn't want her around our baby!

No No No, that's just so wrong. And when she expressed that to me in person, I could see how that post was totally misconstrued and how she could end up thinking it was about her. I mean, the word "family" WAS in there... I just didn't mean it as a target. How horrible. I just felt sick.

She's his Grandma! She's delightful company! My husband wants her to move in with us for crying out loud -and how many son-in-laws want that?! That just goes to show how much she's loved. And yet when I wrote about deciding not to have visitors for the first two weeks (or less, or more) she was totally embarrassed and humiliated and I imagine felt unloved and unwanted. And I felt embarrassed and humiliated that it came across that way to her. To my own mother. It was just awful.

And what did I go and do?

Blast her friends and her family - thinking that they were telling her we didn't want her around our baby. Calling them ignorant and they should be ashamed of themselves for putting that thought into my mom's head.

When it was me that did it, without even realizing it. I'm the one that is now feeling ignorant and ashamed. After all, I alienated her by not explaining in that post that Grandparents don't count because it's just assumed (by me) that they'll be around! That the door is always open (well... phone call first in case mom is topless in the living room feeding the little one and Dad is walking around in his undies!)

So I've got to apologize to her friends and her family for making them feel rotten. I love her family - they're mine too afterall! I love them all very very much. And she has great friends. I can't believe she left them to move 4000 miles away! They're a great bunch and she misses them desperately - all of them; friends and family. I know, I moved away from all of mine 12 years ago and I was miserable and homesick for the first three.

And I go and jump to conclusions and get totally irate for absolutely no reason. They weren't putting doubt into her brain... I was. And I was so wrapped up in my own issues that I didn't even see it.

I was over at mom's thismorning and we had a good cry and a good hug and talked it through and it's all good now. There was no way I was leaving her place until it was clear. Until we got through it. We both understand what the other meant and what the other was saying. We actually listened to each other. Especially me. I actually heard her for the first time in a long time. And actually listened to her for the first time in an even longer time.

So I'm sorry to her friends and family for totally ripping into them. So so sorry to you all.

It was undeserved and completely misplaced.

2009-01-16T23:22:00.000-08:00

Dim Sum at The Imperial will never be the same again.

On the plus side, I no longer feel alone in my terror of changing my first diaper. I mean, I have crazy-homeless-medusa hair on a good day....

Welcome to my newest follower, Lexi! Happy to have you. You're freakin' hilarious! Anyone who's son pees in. his. own. eye. has got my full attention!

2009-01-15T16:54:00.000-08:00

(I am not running in this marathon, but I AM nearing the finish line!)

You know what's freaky?

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and there are no more updates coming from babycentre.ca or pregnancyweekly.com or whatever. Well, there ARE, but they're saying to "check the newborn section".

My God!

I've got a fully developed newborn just laying in wait. Lungs still have a bit to go but apparently they keep on developing well after he's here.

I've got a whole baby in there! About to come out!

Things are moving along "here on the outside". Some things I've noticed is that I'm peeing more and more (and more and more), waddling more and more and more and more and my boobs are growing more (only a little more, not more and more and more). I'm excited, and happy and feel so alive. Yes, I feel big and heavy at times, I still enjoy my naps and am getting the odd bout of heartburn, but I feel so healthy. So good!

Friends and family are always checking in as they know he could come anyday. It's great to get those phone calls and updates and comments on the blog. This little guy is so loved and welcomed already. Even the cats know he's almost here. Not only are they sleeping on me, they're pawing my face (gently) (and yes, it's bizarre), they're being very vocal when they're around me and they just won't leave me alone. It's delightful!

The diaper service arrived today. Very exciting! So I'm putting all of that away tonight and organizing everything. Crib is arriving on the 21st (yes, it's Stork Craft but don't know if it's a model that needs the new brackets. Will find out on 21st!), even though we hopefully won't need it for a few months - we're really wanting to use the Amby in our room, which we'll put together after we get home from hospital. We just hope he takes to it.

I'm doing a massive cleaning of the house - partly because it desperately needs it, partly because I won't have that much time for a while to get to it, and mostly because I don't want bunny dusts floating around with a newborn! I'm also going to pick up a book that has nothing to do with pregnancy or child birth or parenting! Maybe the next in the Narnia series - something to totally take me away. I am, however, keeping up with the Hypnobirthing cd that came with the book - both to recall the relaxation and breathing exercises for labor and delivery, and also because it's a great meditation! I enjoy her voice. (Update on the review... the book totally took a turn for the better and she was wonderful when talking about hospital deliveries and staff, etc.)

You know what else I'm really looking forward to?

Watching my husband become a father.

I've recently watched my best friend become a mother and it was amazing to witness. It's just awesome really. She's a gentle soul to begin with, but to see her with her month-old little guy just takes my breath away. I'm so happy for her and it's just so awesome to watch her make this transition.

So I'm really curious how I'll be. And I'm really really looking forward to seeing Donald make that transition. If there's even any transition to make. I mean one minute you're you, the next minute your someone's parent.

Someone's parent!

All for now.

2009-01-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

Boy oh boy can you tell I'm getting close.

I'm active and alert and have energy and don't really need to nap anymore.

But am I ever slow.

All around slow. Slow to do things, physically. My body is slower. I'm walking slower. That's partly to do with the actual physicality of a pregnant person, and partly because I'm completely taking my time. I'm enjoying every minute I have. Relishing in it. Not for any other reason than I know how drastically my life is about to change. (Well, I actually have no idea just how drastically, but I know it will be a drastic change!) I'm having longer conversations with my husband. I'm actually listening to him and paying attention to what he's saying! I'm enjoying phone conversations with friends. And even family! I'm not rushing to get out of bed in the morning (except if for some miraculous reason I didn't get up three times during the night to pee. Then I definitely rush to get out of bed, lol!), I'm taking my time, talking and cuddling with the cats, flipping on the morning news, looking at the spot where the amby is going and then sort of freaking out that any day now it will be put together and there will be a baby in it! EGADS!

Even though I'm enjoying my time and the time with my husband right now and the quiet, I'm totally excited for the birth of my son. I'm excited to meet him. To see this little guy who's been poking at me from the inside for all these months. Who started out as this:

and is now a person. A Whole. Friggin'. Person. A gorgeous being! Donald and I made a person! And we're about to meet him! It's just bizarre. Surreal.

Until he's here and it's not anymore. From the sur-real, to the so-real.

I was at a birthday party last night talking with some other women (three of us pregnant), and I said how much I am looking forward to the whole experience of childbirth. Even the labour! The ones who have not had children looked mortified. Which I understand completely because I was there not too long ago. But now? I'm totally excited for it! Anxious, yes, but excited more so.

It simply means that my little guy is that much closer to being here with us. It means he's on his way!

Loving these last few weeks.

And so I suppose we should probably take down the Christmas tree so we're not scrambling to do it with a newborn in the house....

All for now.

2009-01-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

Had my weekly doctor's appointment this afternoon. Went over our birth preferences with her; she said the list looked pretty good. We aren't asking for crazy stuff, just general preferences. First on the list is Safety First, and second is Help my husband in his efforts to help me. So that pretty much set the "low-maintenance" tone. I also said "please" and "we'd prefer" and "if possible", etc, throughout and ended it with a big thank you and that we are totally open to suggestions and coaching from the nurses and staff involved.

The Group B Strep swab came back negative, so no antibiotics for me. Dr. Monaghan (Dr. Rhone is back for my appt. next week) felt around my belly and said he's pretty average size and if he was born now she figures he'd be between 6 - 7 lbs. So that made me relax a bit! We talked about epidurals - I want to make sure I can do three things:

change my mind if I don't want one after all
still walk around and feel enough to know when to push (when it feels natural to)
up the dose if I choose!!!!!

It's a Yes to all three (although various dosage affects people differently), so I can let that one go now. I was so stuck on that, almost panicky actually. It's funny, some of the small things that drive you batty.

We've decided that we're going to pay for the Preferred Accomodations while we're there too. It's $150.00 but SO worth it. And it's covered by medical so we'll get that money back anyway. It eases my mind for a few reasons:

same room for labor, delivery and remainder of stay
same staff throughout stay. If there are 10 people that have to poke around my va-jay-jay for a few days, I'd rather it be the same 10 people, ya know?
so calm! Calm, easy, gentle energy up there in that wing.
bigger rooms. Donald and I would like everyone that wants to visit to come to the hospital instead of our home afterwards. These rooms are a great size, so there's lots of room for our huge family in there. We'd rather have our little guy at home, in his new home, getting to know us and not necessarily being passed around to alot of people in his first few weeks here. And we're private people (even though I'm broadcasting to the world!) and would prefer it to be just us three for a few weeks. Doesn't mean we don't love our friends and family, just means we're putting our own family first.

I weigh 153 (up 3 lbs from last week and 30 lbs gained overall). I think it's hilarious that I weight that much, but it's great that I didn't gain a crazy amount.

He's dropped much lower now. I'm not as short of breath as I've been throughout. AND the heartburn has eased up a bit. YAY! But wanna know something weird? I can feel his head way down there. And when he changes position or just moves or whatever he's doing in there, I can feel it. Way. Down. There. I can physically feel his head move.

F-R-E-A-K-Y.

But delightful.

The cats know something is up -that the time is getting nearer. They're BOTH sleeping with me at night now. And when I say, "with me", I mean, "on me". Chicken sleeps up on my arm/shoulder with her little face next to my ear and paw on my cheek, and Ling Ling sleeps between my legs and 1/2 on my belly/pelvis. She can't quite reach the top of the belly, unless I'm on my side totally and then she's on the belly with Chicken on the shoulder. It's the strangest thing. Anyone have pet & pregnancy stories to share? Leave a comment, I'd love to hear!

Welcome to Lisa, the newest follower. Lisa, you MUST blog about your dogs, you have the BEST! And you're such a great foster mom to the little ones (and big) you bring into your home. Even just a photo blog with your comments for the world to see and share in! Thanks for following!

That's it for tonight!

2009-01-04T10:30:00.000-08:00

Here are a couple of fantastic gift ideas for pregnant women. For them themselves, NOT the baby. Although we love to receive baby presents too (and when I say "we", I mean "me"), it SO adds to the excitement.

Anyway, something I do on a regular basis is have a full body massage. It's covered under our medical so I take advantage of it each year. Although, my $500.00 limit runs out before the end of the year (especially with the rising costs of massages.. the going rate is now $85.00/hr, which no longer gets you many. BUT, there's acupuncture as well and I find that totally relaxing and that's another $500.00 to play with, although no-go when preg-o). I digress....

So yes, a massage is a great gift. But that's not the end of it. That's only the beginning of it. I'm talking about a full day of pampering. Massage is just a teaser actually because there are so many other parts neglected. Like, feet! So, 1 - 1.5 hour massage, then pedicure. And manicure. And eyebrow waxing. And hair cut (nothing in this world beats a wicked scalp massage when you're getting a shampoo!). Perhaps throw in a gift certificate to Blockbuster for a couple of your (and when I say "your", I mean "my") favourite movies. Then come home and have a long hot shower and curl up in bed with cheese and crackers, said movie, and your (and when I say "your", I mean "my") favourite cats and call it a day.

Oh, and green fees and a tee time to send your (and when I say "your", I mean "my") husband to the golf course for a twilight game.

Because none of this is going to happen again for a long time.

All for now!
s.

2009-01-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

I had a laugh when I wrote the last post because I knew people would be asking, "What's up with the frozen maxi-pads~~, you friggin' weirdo~~?"

What you do is take a few/bunch of them, soak them with water, freeze, and use them for soreness after delivery. They're the perfect fit.

Apparently.

2009-01-03T00:09:00.001-08:00

Have been trying to jot down a note since Tuesday but have gotten sidetracked every step of the way. Holy low attention span these days!

So, I'm 36 weeks along. 8 months. I remember when I was only 3 months along and about to announce it:
Remember that one? From Disneyland. When we got stuck on a ride in a 5.8 earthquake. And that baby "bump" was HUGE to me. (It actually WAS huge to me, I'm skinny as a rake and nary a bump to be found, so that was soooooo noticable on me. Even though at 12 weeks you're still in that stage of looking like you're gaining weight but not in the pregnant way. And when I say "you're", I mean, "me").

I was trying for a few hours tonight to do a video blog, but the mic on my laptop is not the best (or I don't know how to change the settings properly) and apparently to upload from my camcorder I need a new cable so it's compatible with Vista.

Very annoying.

So back to typing for a while... unless I can figure something out with the video on my camera. Hmmmm....

So, 36 weeks. I've got a little person inside of me! He's pretty much ready. He could come any time and be a.o.k. God, that's wild.

Went to the doctor thismorning, an update:

I've gained 26 lbs since the beginning and it's a healthy weight. Not expected to gain much more, if any at all. My blood pressure is a.o.k. 90/??? Can't remember now. His heartbeat was around 140 bpm. He's still head down (with little tiny feet sticking out under my ribcage most times!), right where he's supposed to be. He's treating me so well, the little guy. I've had such a great pregnancy.

The swab was done for Group B Strep, so that will dictate whether or not I need the antibiotics during labour. And apparently it has to be administered approx 4 hours before birth, so that might be my "in" to getting in there early, lol! (I don't mind labouring at home (early labour only), but am nervous about rush hour traffic and the weather we've been having lately - I don't want to have to drive in a snow storm or on the black ice that's been around!)

Next week I'm getting my hair done, having a massage and pedicure and finishing a few odds and ends to get ready for his arrival. We've just got to put stuff away and organize his room a bit (even though he'll be in our room for a few months at first). We've got to organize our room for that matter, and move dressers around and switch things up. Donald and I are switching sides of the bed because we don't want the baby to be directly in front of the bedroom door. Bad mojo... back in the day they used to carry dead people out of their bedrooms feet first through the door so we never sleep that way. Donald's mom pointed it out one day when she was over and it's something I hadn't thought about because I just figured he'd be sideways. But no, that's not safe enough, so we're just switching sides of the bed. No biggie. (I came to find out it's not just a Chinese superstition but huge in Voodoo. And Catholicism for that matter!) So he's going on the opposite side, as am I, and we've got to move stuff around to fit his bed beside ours.

Gotta give the house a good clean and prepare some meals to freeze. To put beside the frozen maxi-pads in the freezer????? (Keep forgetting to do that. Donald's going to freak out when he opens the freezer to grab a roast and sees frozen maxi-pads lined up!!!!) Must put them somewhere inconspicuous. But we have such a small freezer!!!

I've got to remember to take the car into ICBC or BCAA to get them to check the car seat to make sure it's in properly and up to safety standards.

And for now?

The baby is actually quiet so it might be the best time to try to fall asleep!

All for now,

2009-01-01T23:32:00.001-08:00

36 weeks along! 8 months. Doctor's appointment in the morning, shall report back with lots of info!

2008-12-29T14:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that McDreamy was the OB delivering my baby (and he was very polite and friendly!). I was so nervous until a nurse gave me a quick pep talk and then I rolled over to my left side and started to deliver that way. He was crowning - and there was absolutely no pain at all. Just the sensation of my body doing what it's made to do. And then everything stopped; I was so shocked that it was so easy and so painless that I froze in disbelief. McDreamy then started talking to me and the baby, gently saying, "Come on, you can do it, quickly now" and there was a sense of calm urgency in the room. I knew I had to relax totally and work with my baby in order for him to come out naturally. I looked up at the wall calendar and it was January 27 (which is my due date). Then I woke up.

Hmmmm.

I'm not sleeping again. I get about 3 or 4 hours a night, then wake up for 3, then sleep again for 3 or so. I think I'm nervous about labor and delivery. Not so much for the actual birth as much as just the whole experience. I mean, I've never done it before. I have no point of reference (which I quite like. I'm much better at things when I don't know what I'm getting into.) and I know that each person's experience is different, so even when people are telling me what they went through I know that mine will be different. It will be my own. Which I love as well! And I'll be in a weird place, physically, that I'm not familiar with: the hospital. Full of people I don't know in scrubs and uniforms. I just want to make sure I can be as comfortable as I want to be. Make my room "my own" so to speak. I'll have to fill it with "Stephi energy" to be comfortable - but that's easy enough I suppose. I have this thing where I want everyone else to be ok and I put myself last. I never want to step on anyone's toes (Come on... who wants to piss off somebody that will be poking around your vagina for the better part of their day?!).

I'll just have to focus on putting myself first - after all, it's about the healthy delivery of my little guy and my own safety and joyful experience as well!

Also, he's just so active that he keeps me awake. Seriously, like an alien is inside of me, poking and prodding me from the inside. It's the most bizarre feeling. I love it! And yet it's still very bizarre to have a little creature inside of you living it's own little life right now. It won't be long until I get to see those movements up close and in person! Which brings me to....

...early signs of labour. What are they? My OB said that I'd definitely know, and I'm sure I will, but what are the signs? (Besides water breaking.) Let me know if I'm on the right track here. Knowing me I'll want to be alone and go somewhere by myself (must tell Donald to be aware of that, because in the midst of it all I probably won't realize it!).

Contractions that are regular and last for "x"- seconds instead of just here and there, and getting longer and stronger and closer together.

That's the only one I know of as a sure sign of labor. Anyone have any other tips for me?

As for my body getting ready to give birth, I've been told and/or have experienced a few of the following:

More frequent bowel movement(s)/diarrhea
Increased vaginal discharge - which is already happening
Baby slows down movements
Baby has "dropped" (but will I notice this? I hear that alot of the breathlessness will be gone (finally!), but other than that, will I know that he has dropped lower into my pelvis (or wherever they drop to?) Will I feel it? How can you not feel a baby pushing against your cervix, or wherever he lands...even if it is just the tip of his head!)
Increase in boob size? Or is this after birth and when your milk is coming in?
Wanting to nest. Yes, this has is happening too. I just want to stay at home with my husband and enjoy time with him.

So much stuff on the go! I'm so loving this whole experience. My pregnancy has been a dream, just so easy and uncomplicated. I'm so grateful for that. I've only got a few more weeks to go, let's focus on it staying that way!

All for now.

2008-12-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

Can anyone recommend when is the best time (and how) to buy a few nursing bras? I'm 8 months along and want to grab a couple over the next week or so (remember, I had that dream that my little guy came on Jan 15) but I'm not sure how big my boobs will be getting once my milk comes in. Or if that even affects it.....

Help!

A Twitter friend recommended buying now and buying one cup-size bigger. Yes? No? Another Twitter friend recommended nursing tanks from Sears - and will look at those for when I'm around the house (gotta love tank tops!), but I just am not sure how to go about it. And how many should I buy? I tend to buy things like this in threes. One for now, one for later, one for just in case (hmmm... sounds like last call!).

Would love your input! Thanks!

2008-12-27T22:09:00.000-08:00

Something shifted last night and I woke up feeling odd, feeling off in a way. Just not the same. I don't know if he's moved down a bit and that's all it is or what's going on, but I just felt off. I was very hot and a bit crampy and even a tad dizzy for a few minutes. And so heavy. I physically felt heavy. Heavy belly. And really, really tight belly.

Could be emotions, I mean it's been a busy and emotional couple of days, but it was just so odd to me.

A few things I've noticed over the past few days is that he's on my bladder ALOT! I'm using the washroom ALOT. Like, waking up in the middle of the night a few times. And that hasn't really happened yet. And he's getting even MORE active in there! I thought he's be totally quieted down by now, but boy he's active still! I love it, I love feeling him roll around, it just shocks me in a way that it's still going on! Mom says he'll probably quiet down as he gets closer to making his appearance - so that's something for me to watch for. It's getting to that point for me now... I'm paying attention to everything that's happening with my body for signs of "It's time".

I'm currently reading Hypnobirthing by Marie F. Mongan. And you know something? It's, to me, written in a threatening manner almost. As though doctors are "out to get you" and just want to intervene to get it over with so they can get out of there. I'm only on page 121, but that's how it's striking me right now. 1st edition was written in 1992, 3rd in 2005. She's obviously had bad experiences with hospitals. There's a checklist of questions to ask the hospital should you choose to give birth in a hospital, and it's almost like "I dare you to find a hospital that has any of these attributes".

But you know what?

BC Women's has all of them. I'm just so happy with my choice for a hospital birth, especially at a baby-friendly facility. And so incredibly happy with my OB. She's open to my questions and suggestions and, so far, the experience that I would like for me and my baby.

Now, what I am enjoying about the book is how she communicates the connection you have with your yet-to-be-born baby. The communication you already enjoy with your child. And the connection you can have with your baby through the whole birth experience. And of course I'm looking forward to learning more about the whole hypnobirthing technique(s).

All for now. Here's a 35-week belly shot.

2008-12-26T13:53:00.000-08:00

When I was very young I experienced a major trauma. And again in my teenage years. And through it all, when you'd think that I'd have no trust left in male authority figures in my life, there was still one man whom I felt safe around besides my father.

Only one.

And he died yesterday.

And I don't quite know what to do with that.

He was invincible to me. He was kind and considerate and fun and SAFE. The only safe man in my young life. And so giving. And so loving and gentle. And he's gone. And I'm just heartbroken. And my little guy will never have the chance to meet him.

And it's interesting to me that I married a man that has a few of my father's attributes, but also - in looking at it now - many attributes of this man as well. He's patient. He's hilarious! He's gentle. He's loving. He's incredibly generous in spirit, time, space and never-ending love and support.

And he's safe.

And I'm so grateful that I've found someone like that for me. And that we're starting a family. I'm very, very grateful today, as I mourn the loss of a tremendous person. And I mourn for his family and what they're going through and how much I love them.

If you're called to, you can donate in memory of Glen Hansen at Craigs Cause.
(UPDATE: website is down - will be back up on Monday Dec 29.)

S.

2008-12-24T18:29:00.000-08:00

35 weeks along and what the heck is sticking out of my belly all the time?

I'm studying the picture above and trying to figure out if it's his butt that pops out above my belly button (bellybutton update: a full outie now) ,which I think it is because it's pretty big and pretty round. And when I say "big", I mean "almost the size of a tennis ball". Is that the size of a newborn bum? And then there's the mystery of smaller bits sticking out on either side of my belly button and even up under by my boobs/rib area. And sometimes little things sticking out all the way on my sides! Bizarre. He is still so active!

So there's alot going on as he's getting ready to make his public appearance!

He's around 5.25lbs and is about 18" from head to toe. Jesus, that's big. I'm still getting nervous and how much he's growing in there. His kidneys are fully developed and his liver can process some waste. My, how far he's come!

Freaky fact? My uterus has expanded to 1000 times it's original size.

I'm still only about 25 lbs heavier than usual. Didn't make it to the doctor appointment on Monday due to the snow, but weighed myself at home and still at 147. Which is HUGE for me, but all in the belly! Still pretty breathless - but I mean, my uterus is up under my ribs. Apparently when he drops, some of the breathlessness will ease up. Wish the heartburn would. I get it just from breathing for crying out loud. And I've been storm-stayed for three days and I only have 3 tums left and nothing is open tomorrow due to Christmas. Just delightful. I'll have to ease up on the turkey dinner (although mom already cooked it to get everything ready in advance, so really, our Christmas dinner is nothing more than leftovers.) (But leftovers ARE the best!)

And for mom?

I've got a few things left to do - forgot about his room for the past few weeks, so am packing away everything for him that is over the 3 month mark to make room in his dresser for all the newborn - 3 month clothing. We have SO much, it's insane. And I've only bought a handful of items. The rest were hand-me-downs and gifts. Just so much. It's great!

I have everything (almost) ready for the "hospital bag" so am packing that tonight. And will type up the birth plan and go over it with Donald. I just want to make sure we're on the same page - especially if anything happens to me and I am unable to communicate with the nurses or Donald. I've booked my hair appointment and massage and will book the pedi soon too. Then it's smooth sailing!

Just hope the rain comes soon to wash this snow away. Don't want to be 8 months pregnant and driving Vancouver streets with people that aren't used to the snow!

All for now.

2008-12-21T18:54:00.001-08:00

You know what I did today?

Nothing!

It was awesome!

Woke up at 7am and peeked outside to major snow on the ground. Woke up again at 9:30 to more coming down and even more on the ground. Got up, checked email. Had pancakes. And was exhausted! Crawled back in bed to read a bit and didn't get out until 5pm! Good times. Right now, Donald is shovelling the snow and I'm supposed to be doing the books. But here I am.

Had a dream last night that the baby came early... (how can babies be "early"??? They come when they come!). January 15 is the magical day. We'll see!

Have a doctor's appointment in the morning. Nervous about the roads as we're supposed to get another 10 cm tonight. May cancel and see if I can get squeezed in another day, or just stay put until my next appointment on Jan 3.

Ok, now I'm off to do the books.

2008-12-18T13:17:00.000-08:00

2008 Medical Weblog Awards - Pregnant Stephanie is nominated in the Best Patient's Blog category, alongside medical patients whom are in the throws of a disease or surgery. Or are recovering. Or are living with a debilitating condition.

Wow. I’m among such fine folks and fellow bloggers.

I mean, me? Really?

I’m just a happy pregnant gal.

2008-12-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

At this point in a pregnancy, 34 weeks, not much changes. From what I can tell and what I've read it's mostly just the baby's weight increasing (fat layers). Right now, at 34 weeks, I'm reading that he's probably around 4.7 lbs and 45 cm from head to toe.

That always freaks me out. That fits all in here? He's all squished up all happy in here?:

For mom? Got a great tip to wear satin pyjamas to bed as they are so slippery they'll help me roll over. The thing is... I haven't seen satin maternity jammies. And I only have a month to go until we're ready so it's hard to justify spending yet more money on maternity clothes. Although I AM buying a couple of layering shirts as the tops I have now are all riding up my stomach. And as cute as I think it might be in the privacy of my own home, it's not so nice, nor comfortable, when I realize after walking all through Ikea that my stomach has been hanging out the whole time.

I've got to buy a car seat. This is ridiculous. If they don't have it in stock it'll have to be ordered and it can take AGES apparently. So, Donald and I are heading out shopping tomorrow, we've GOT to buy one/order one. This is just silly.

I'm still totally into nesting and hanging out with Donald. Seriously, just me and him. Loving it. Loving the time together, even if it's just watching tv or me nagging him to put a dimmer switch in the nusery. We're having a great time together. For the first time in our 5 year history, we went Christmas shopping together. We NEVER do that. And we had a great time! Until I completely ran out of steam and had to sit down on a sweater display and eat a granola bar.

The little guy is totally moving around in there. It still freaks me out. He really doesn't have that much room, yet off he goes, ~~motoring~~ rolling around like it's nobody's business.

Looking forward to meeting him!

All for now. Have to decorate the tree.

s.

2008-12-17T19:32:00.000-08:00

Week 34. Feeling great.

If it wasn't for the Hemorrhoids.

Yes, hemorrhoids. I knew I had it too easy with this pregnancy. I got away without nausea (for the most part), the constipation only lasted a little while until I discovered the miracle of prune juice and Lucerene yogurt, and not much else really (ok, so there is the heartburn - but nothing Tums can't solve, and the not sleeping - but I'm chalking it up to by body getting ready to be up all hours anyway!).

And so hemorrhoids. Woke up thismorning to bright red blood. Got a fright until I realized it was coming from the back door, and knew it had to be the dreaded 'roids that everyone tells me about. Called the BC Nurses Line just to be on the safe side. Their question: Are you sure it's not coming from your vagina? Yes, I'm sure. Then they had to go through a list of questions from their computer.. this next one totally freaked me out: "Is there a cord or a foot or anything sticking out of your vagina?"

WTF?! LOL! I looked at Donald and repeated the question to the nurse as I found it so bizarre. I mean, if there WAS a foot or cord coming out of my vagina, I think I'd be on my way to the ~~loony bin~~ hospital, and not chatting casually with her!

Anyway, she recommended I talk to my OB because I'm pregnant. (But hemorrhoids are part of pregnancy!). Anyway, she knows more than me in this department, after all, she is a nurse, so I hung up and called my OB. From there I got, "well, you're bleeding from your rectal area, not your vagina, so it's really something you should see your family doctor about, not us." And that made sense to me, so next call was to my GP. And they wanted to see me right away. So here we are, massive snow storm in Vancouver and we have to drive up hill to my GP.

And face the humiliation of an exam.

God. So humiliating. At least it only lasted 4 seconds.

And nothing to worry about - only a bout of 'roids.

So freakin' glamorous, this pregnancy has become.

S.

2008-12-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

This is exactly why I do not do outdoor sports in Vancouver.

That, and I'm 7.5 months pregnant and can hardly make it from one end of the mall to the other anymore.

But really, I thought being stuck on a ride at Disneyland during the earthquake was bad (think I was 12 weeks along at the time). But no, this takes the cake. Big fear realized. No gondolas for Stephi for the foreseeable future.

I'll still take the little guy to Whistler though. And I'm sure when he's old enough he'll be a fantastic après-skier (just like his mom)! Or there's always tobogganing down Whistler Creekside in the middle of the night!

Alot on the go lately - went to the Infant Care class on Sunday at BC Women's. Hilarious facilitator. RN in labour and delivery, and mother of six (triplets, twins and a single one!). I was waiting with baited breath to learn how to change a diaper (isn't that pathetic? 38 years old and had to take a class....) and I finally asked to be shown. Well, 1/2 the class came rushing over to watch, so I didn't feel as awkward anymore! 10:1 I'll still need youtube when I actually have to do it on my own. First time mom's - I'm sure I'm not the only one that's scared I'll do something wrong and tear off his belly button or something....

I'm sleeping now that my husband is in another room (still sad about that, but I've got to get sleep!), but I wake up at the sound of a pin dropping, so my sleep is interrupted. Like last night when I finally got to sleep around 12:30am, only to wake up at 3am to my neighbours FREAKING LOUD MUFFLER. Then was up until 7am. Argh. But hey, I'm sure there will be nights like that when the little guy comes, so there you go.

I'm having really sharp pains in my lower pelvic area every day. Only lasts for a few seconds and a span of about 5 minutes in total, but they do cause me to pause and take a breath. Asking my doctor on Monday what it may be. I thought Braxton Hicks were more "crampy" than sharp pains, but I'll find out next week.

Hospital bag almost ready to go. Just looking for a robe and slippers to wear over the hospital gown while I'm labouring. I want to look nice for myself and feel like a girl. Want something pretty for myself! But I can't find anything. All the robes are big and fleece or terry. Too big. I look like a house! I'll still look, might have to spend more money than I want, but it's my little treat for myself. IF, I can find something.

And I'm 34 weeks today! Must get the husband to take a pic tonight and I'll post along with the 34-week update AND along with the breaking news that I've been nominated for a 2008 Medical Weblog Award! More on that later tonight. For now, this pregnant chick has GOT to find something to eat!

S.

2008-12-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

Things are slowing down for me these days. Not only is my body (can't rush through the malls anymore!) slowing down with a serious waddle, but things around me are. I'm not into venturing out much. Not into running around town. Not really into seeing many people, even though I love them. It's not about them, it's about me.

I'm totally into nesting. Getting the nursery in order. Getting our affairs in order. Getting Christmas over with (truthfully - just not into it this year... much too busy with other things and much else on my mind!) and ringing in the new year. Getting details finalized. And resting!

Resting on the couch with a good book or movie. Cuddling up early in bed and reading with Donald or cuddling with the cats and doing some work on the laptop.

I'm just so not into leaving the house much. Plus, it's a whole adventure even trying to get out of the house to begin with! Let's just say I totally understand now why some pregnant women wear really ugly shoes. It's just so hard trying to tie up laces or fit your feet into your regular shoes! I can hardly lift my leg up to get my shoes on! I want a nice pair of slip ons, except it's December. And I can't find fashionable ones. And I'm so picky. Uggs would be fantastic, but they're 200.00. I don't think so. That's the price of a crib (almost).

I can't really get comfy anymore. Sitting up in bed hurts my lower back. Lying down is uncomfortable unless I'm sleeping. And hard to fall asleep when you're uncomfortable! Sitting on the couch isn't the greatest. Might bring out the glider to see if I'm comfy sitting in that.

So this was my first complaining post. Done.

2008-12-10T18:09:00.000-08:00

This... is keeping me up at night:

She's such a little brat! First it was my husband, now it's Chicken. Argh.

So last night I fell asleep around midnight and woke up at 2am (because of Chicken). Wide awake. So me and Donald watched last week's Grey's Anatomy and then I read for a while and watched Breakfast Television (still awake at 6am!) and fell asleep around 8am until phone rang at 9. Not a good sleep. But with Chicken, when I lock her out of the room, she makes more of a racket crying to get it!

So annoying.

But on the plus side, me and Don got to hang out together and cuddle and chat for a while.

During commercial breaks.

2008-12-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

33 Weeks today!

Feeling good. Feeling great. Feeling a bit panicked - still so much to do. Simply have to get off our butts and do it. It's all becoming more real now, hence the panic. Dena, my best girlfriend, is currently in early labour. So that's driving it home that we're not close to ready! And a baby is going to come out in a few weeks! God, it's so real all of a sudden. I'd better get my butt in gear.

Something new at 33 weeks: I can no longer pee in a cup.

Well I can... but I can't see what I'm doing. My belly is in the way. It's hit or miss. I have to pee each time I see my doctor (5 more visits before baby!) and slide the cup through a window to the reception desk. Sliding the cup through the window is the easy part. It's actually getting my pee in the cup that's the hard part. I have to do it by ear now.

Peeing by ear. Hmmm.... there's got to be a joke in there somewhere.

To follow up on the last post.... I do not have a huge-ass monster baby in my womb. The doctor says he's average size, and my size is right on track.

What's average size, I asked?
Oh, I usually say a 7.5 lb baby is average.

That's HUGE! When I was born, we were all 5.5 lbs, 6 lbs, that sort of thing. 7.5 is HUGE! MASSIVE. UGH.

Jesus. 7.5 lbs. That, to me, is really big. I'm going to concentrate on the fact that chinese babies are smaller. Yeah, Yeah, I'll just lie to myself.

He's still head down and will probably remain that way as there's just not that much room for him to turn back up. Which is awesome! No worries about breech. He still moves around alot in there and I'm feeling the actual size of him increase. It's wild. He's taking up more space. He's growing so much. I can tell knees/elbows now (ok, so they might be feet/hands), but still can't get butt/head clear. Yes, you'd think head would be down and butt would be up, but what about when it's kinda side-to-side? I'm pretty sure his whole leg was sticking out of my belly last night. I felt it and moved my hand right up it as it moved. It was like a fat little sausage. My little guy. Sigh.

I'm up to 147 lbs right now, which isn't too bad seeing as I started at 123 or something. No swelling really. Just a bit heavier and awkward at times (like in yoga class - freakin' hilarious, the things I just can't do anymore).

A box from Babies R Us showed up today... must go open it!

Belly shot tomorrow.

All for now,
s.

2008-12-08T12:15:00.001-08:00

Went to "Prenatal in a Day" at BC Women's yesterday.

It was fantastic! I was very impressed with how they are everything I thought they wouldn't be. They are so for the mom and baby. My fears were put aside. Fears of the "coldness" of it all. Fears they would treat the birth of my little guy more as a procedure and not a, well, a birth experience. The experience that it is. The experience of joining the world. The experience of me bringing a being into this world. They are so focused on making sure you have the experience you desire. Make no mistake, the health of the baby is first and foremost. Yet they are there for you too.

Me and him are delivering and doing all the work. They're in the room to make sure it happens without incident. And to catch him when he comes out.

I was really happy to hear their philosophy.

I was also really happy to have the husbands and support persons included in the session. Not just that they were there, but they were part of the "curriculum" and there was alot of how important they are to the birth and the labouring (don't like that they call it labour "pains" because that word brings up such fear so Donald and I are going to make up our own word. Read somewhere about using the word "surge" instead, so might go that route.). I think it really opened Donald's eyes that he's actually part of this, not just there because I want him to be or because I need him to be. I want him to have the experience he wants as well. That probably won't be venturing too far below the waist. Nor cutting the cord. It will be as it will be for him, but trust me...he's not waiting out in the hallway until it's over! There's more discussion due on this one. I think it opened his eyes a bit as to just how important he is to it all. We'll see.

The other gals that were there and due around my time were much smaller. So now I'm freaked out, thinking I have a huge baby growing inside me. Going to ask my doctor tomorrow at the check up about this.

(Anyone know if you can tell how big a baby is before he's born? Need another ultrasound I suppose?)

Next week is Infant Care Class. This will get into the nitty gritty of the care after delivery (just a small example is how to change a diaper... thank god!) and apparently lots of talk on vaccines. Don't know what else, will find out on Sunday!

All for now. Me and my big-ass baby have actual work to do....

2008-12-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Bought these products at Superstore. No parabens. No phthalates. No harmful stuff for baby. And only 3.99 each. Good times.

Just trying to be a conscious parent.

2008-12-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's sadder. The fact that my husband and I can no longer share a bed, or the fact that this is where he's sleeping:

This simply won't do. We'll have to buy him a "real" blow up bed, one that is off the floor. And bigger. This is awful. Funny, but awful! On the other hand, I slept like a BABY again last night!

2008-12-04T17:37:00.000-08:00

Kinda sad, Kinda happy.

My husband isn't sleeping with me anymore.

Last night was night #1 of him sleeping on the couch. Poor sod. But I slept like a BABY. I woke up feeling great. Was all good until about 1pm when I needed a nap, and now I have energy and am actually cooking dinner! What a difference a full night sleep can make!

We're off to see Great Big Sea tonight and then stopping by his sister's place to get her blow up bed and he's going to be sleeping in the nursery until the baby is born. I can't believe it's come to this, but it's the only way I can get sleep. If he would only come to bed at the same time as me, I'd be fine.... but he comes to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning and I'm a light sleeper so of course I wake up and then can't get back to sleep. But also, I can't really get comfortable. So I kinda sleep all over the bed with various pillows and wedges to prop me up. And so he doesn't really get a good night's sleep either, on his little slither of matress.

We started to chat about it the other night and he said that alot of the people at his work were telling him to sleep in another room (from their experience while their wives were pregnant!) to help the wifey. I'm glad he told me that. I don't feel as bad now, pretty much kicking him out of the bedroom.

I can't believe I just said, "wifey".

All for now.

2008-12-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

Drool....

Got it! Just need the car seat now and that's out of the way. Another thing off the list. Feels good. Up next, rug for nursery. Ikea is having their winter sale starting Friday so I'm going to pop in and see if I can find something.

2008-12-02T04:18:00.000-08:00

32 weeks!

Here we are at 32 weeks. And this is what a baby looks like in utero at 32 weeks.

My God, where does the time go? Just yesterday I was staring at a stick with two pink stripes, and today I'm preparing my hospital bag!

Right now I'm reading, "Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful". Some of it is informative, some of it just reiterates my thoughts that, really, it simply is what it is. But the best thing I got out of it is this quote: "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans."

Very funny.

It did bring up a couple of things that I will chat with my OB about next visit. Will BC Women's support me if I'm feeling the need to deliver from a squatting position, or bent over, or standing, or any position but on my back? What if I'm called to walk and walk and walk through my labour? What if I would like the lights turned down a bit, especially during labour? It's about me and the baby and the healthiest birth possible so I just want to make sure our needs are being met in the safest way possible - and I don't want to feel afraid or uncomfortable in voicing my concerns, needs, wishes, etc.

So that's where I am now.

That, and sitting here blogging at 4:24am because I've been awake since my husband came to bed at 2am. ARGH. And I have such a busy day ahead! I'm writing a series on Pitching for my business, have a coffee meeting at 11:00, a massage (finally!) at 12:30, and a pedicure at 2:00 (seeing as I can hardly manage to cut my own nails at this point, let alone massage and paint them!) Then it's a few more hours of trying to drum up some more business and hopefully checking out a stroller in the early evening.

Baby: He's 17" from head to toe, and weighs about 3.75 lbs. The body is so amazing... how he fits in there! I wonder if the cirque folks have pre-birth memories and that's how they can fit into their crazy contortions.

Or they're boneless.

He's supposed to gain a third to a half of his birthweight in the next 8 weeks so I'm supposed to be eating well. The thing is, I don't have much of an appetite. Nothing is appealing to me. At all. It's like the first trimester again. Can only eat 1/2 of anything in front of me before I'm full or feel a bit ill. I'll just munch through the day I suppose and see how that does me. Lots of fruit and I guess I'll buy stuff that's ready to eat RIGHT NOW instead of having to prepare something (ie: safe meats for a quick sandwich instead of having to boil eggs or mix tuna, etc, because by the time that's done I've lost my appetite again. Frustrating. Very frustrating. It's times like these that I wish we could afford a food delivery service!)

It's now 4:51am and I've just yawned. Perhaps I'll manage to fall asleep in the next few minutes. One can always hope!

All for now.
s.

2008-12-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

I've been having the weirdest dreams.

When I manage to sleep, that is.

They're like the first trimester dreams, only more about me and my personal safety. They're horrible. I know they are showing me my anxiety about labour and delivery, and I'm not taking them literally, but my God they're horrendous.

Dreaming of relatives dying (that are pregnant), dreaming of people trying to kill me, dreaming of people succeeding in killing me... which I've dreamt my whole life. Weird hey? I've seen myself die in my dreams numerous times and in numerous ways. Stabbings, suffocating, drowning (which seemed the most peaceful) and shot to death. But here I am, still kickin'!

And here I am at almost 32 weeks:

(and that's my darling Ling Ling strolling by).

All for now.

2008-11-28T10:55:00.000-08:00

That is how I feel these days. Big and clunky.

He's growing in there. He's getting really really big. It's weird, how's he's all stretched out yet totally cramped up and squished into this little place that is my uterus. I said to the D-Man, maybe he's like a mime trying to get out of a box. That's how it feels. Always knocking around in there.

I'm not able to sleep with Donald in the bed. How to I break it to him that I want him to sleep in the babies room or on the couch until the birth? There's simply not enough room in our bed for both of us! I'm only comfortable when I'm completely stretched out!

I'm getting pains in weird places. Pretty constant pressure on my pelvic area. Boobs are getting more veins. Belly too. Having back pain when I sit a certain way or stand for too long. Leg pain too. I want a leg massage every day! Last night at 2:30am while I was up wandering around, I asked Donald to give me a leg massage, "Just gently, like the cats are walking on me" (because that feels SO good but they only do it to get to where they're going...). Well, he did it a bit too roughly at first, and then nice and gently but it started to tickle. So much for that. Back to paying $85.00 for a massage (of which $80.00 is covered thank goodness).

When I'm laying down I feel like an 11 year-old girl who's going through a growth spurt. It's like I have growing pains! I just want to stretch out and stretch and stretch. And even when I do, it's not enough. That's a big part of why I can't sleep. That and the little guy is really active.

I really hope I never turn into one of those people who can't wait to "get this kid out of me". I love being pregnant. I love feeling him inside me. It's just the trying to sleep that's annoying. I'm going to miss my pregnant body after he's out! And I have a feeling sleep isn't going to get any better!

That's my rant for today.

All for now.

2008-11-26T14:57:00.000-08:00

Anyone have any insight on cord blood banking? We'd like to hear from parents who decided to and why, and those who decided NOT to and why.

Also, to all the medical professionals... is there any evidence that you know of where 1/2 Caucasian, 1/2 Asian children are prone to any sort of disease that may require cord blood? I have no idea about this, nor any idea where to start researching. Might as well start here!

Feel free to leave a comment.

Thanks.

2008-11-25T14:48:00.000-08:00

31 weeks today!

This is what a 31 week baby looks like in utero. How cool is that, that today you can actually see what they look like. As much as I love the nature of things (and this nature of things...shout out to The Suze) and how nature has intent and, as I always say, the "wisdom of the body", I sure do love advances in science and in medicine. Fascinating stuff. Now, if there was a science to softening stool and getting a good nights' sleep....

So here we are. They say that he should slow down on his movements now that his real estate is shrinking, but my guy is getting MORE active. It's insane. He is just so active. And I have an anterior placenta for crying out loud, so imagine the impact if it wasn't in the way!

His body is continuing to fill out and his body, legs and arms are now proportional to his head. He weighs about 3.3 lbs and is 41 cm from head to toe.

My God.

I have a little person inside of me.

No bloody wonder I can't sleep.

Now that I've received all the gifts I'm going to receive (baby shower pics coming soon!), I'm going through everything for the final count of what I'm missing. For example, I totally forgot pants. If it was summertime it wouldn't be a big deal as he could relax in diapers and a diaper tee (have tonnes), but it's winter so he needs to be warm when he's hanging out with his mum! Counting the receiving blankets, sleepers, etc etc to make sure I'm on top of things. I could zip out and grab stuff (Zellers is close by!), but we're not taking him out of the house for a month, so I want to make sure I have everything (we're not doing all the stuff noted in that link, just not taking him out for a month and throwing the traditional party on the 30th day.) And it's helps me to feel more in control. So that's what the next week or so is about. Then it's hospital bag packing, again, to be prepared (and also to feel more in control!).

I'm getting nervous about the big day. Not the labour and delivery so much, just about the small details. What if I forget a little hat for him to come home in? What if Vancouver all of a sudden has a major snowstorm when I'm on my way to the hospital? What if I get stuck in rush hour (my biggest fear) traffic? The hospital is quite a drive without traffic for crying out loud! What if I'm not as strong as I think I am and need help with the delivery? We have all our prenatal and childcare classes coming up in a few weeks, so I'm sure some of my fears will be laid to rest afterwards, but I'm nervous about it all right now.

Here's the picture I'm bringing with me to the hospital to focus on, and, well, just to have her near. She was always the only one who could calm me down. Usually by showing me that the best thing to wash your worries away was a good roll in the grass.

All for now!

2008-11-24T18:14:00.001-08:00

Can't believe it's been almost a week since I've blogged. I'm up all night for crying out loud, I could simply pick up my laptop and type away... but Leno gets the best of me.

Speaking of being up all night:

3rd trimester is somewhat like 1st trimester. I'm not sleeping well. I can't really get comfortable. And constipation is back (kind of). I'm really really picky with food. I don't have much of an appetite. I'm hungry, I just don't want to eat anything. Nothing is appetizing to me, is what I'm trying to say. Thank God there's leftover potato salad from my AWESOME baby shower... that's gotten me through yesterday and today. Oh, and crazy, vivid, lucid dreams are back. YAY! I love my dreams.

Had my monthly check up today. Monthly's are no more... for December it's every two weeks, then in January it's every week until due date. I've booked one for after as well, just in case I'm overdue. I don't think I will be, but we'll see.

Care to make it interesting? ;)

My regular doctor is on vacay so I had a sub. She was lovely, very animated. Didn't bother asking my pile of questions, will wait for my doc to be back. It's only another two weeks. I can wait that long to get the low-down on birthing pool (just asking...not sure yet...) vs. regular and epidural risks and all the other questions I have written down.

The little guy is head-down to my right, bum to the left of my bellybutton (which is ALMOST fully an outie now!) and his legs up by my right ribs somewhere.

Makes him seem bigger than what the Internet tells you. Which I'll find out tomorrow as I'll hit the 31 week mark!

All for now. Baby shower pics coming soon. And maybe belly shots, just have to remember to take one!

s.

2008-11-19T16:31:00.000-08:00

I find this a bit condescending.

It could have been funny, but it's just all wrong.

2008-11-18T23:58:00.000-08:00

So here's a glimpse of what thirty weeks looks like.

Out of bed around 8am. IF I slept the night before.

Wanting to nap again at, oh, I don't know, 10:30 or so. But plugging along at least until 2 or 3pm. THEN, letting myself have a 20 minute snooze.

Working a bit more, preparing supper or waiting for my husband to get home to prepare supper.

Tired, EXHAUSTED, again around 8pm. Wash up for bed around 10:30pm. WIDE AWAKE UNTIL 1AM. Then awake again around 4 or 5am. Fall back to sleep between 6 and 7am, then the day starts over.

Mixed in among this is pure joy. Feeling him becoming even more active even though he's losing major real estate. Getting overjoyed and overcome with emotion - knowing that he's going to be here soon. (The panic of that as well.) Projecting my nervousness onto objects (ie: stroller search), unconsciously taking my mind away from the fact that my life is about to change in such a huge way that I have ZERO control over.

And loving that more than fearing that.

So, that's where I'm at, at 30 weeks. And here's where I'm supposed to be physically:

Apparently I should have gained about 3-4 lbs. Not sure, my appointment is next week, but I've definitely gained a bit. Feels good. Feels healthy.

Haven't felt the Braxton Hicks. I don't think. Well, there was that one day where I felt kind of seized up for a bit so that may have been it. But hasn't happened since, so who's to say?

And here's what's happening with baby:

He's gaining weight fast now (and yet I'm the one getting the fat ass). His lungs and digestive tract are pretty much fully developed. He's been opening and closing his eyes for a while now (I wonder what my insides look like?).

And here's what a baby looks like at 30 weeks: (umbilical cord wrapped around his ankle):

All for now.

2008-11-18T23:45:00.000-08:00

I only have 10 weeks to go.

TEN WEEKS.

So much to do. The panic has just set it. It's 11:45pm and I've just asked my husband to dismantle the blinds in the baby's room and steam clean the glider.

NOW.

And so he is! While I lay in bed ~~relaxing and eating bon bons~~ blogging and watching Letterman and feeling the little monkey motor around in there (and wishing I could sleep).

Thirty weeks today.

Ten more to go.

$*!@

2008-11-15T11:46:00.001-08:00

Do you know how hard it is to design a nursery?

Harder than picking out a stroller.

And I bet harder than labour and delivery.

(Ok, that might be stretching it... I'll let you know at the end of January!)

If I had of just stuck to my original plan of green & brown, it would be done by now. But no, we had to go and change our mind on the furniture. Ok, the price changed our minds more than we did... but still... we're going with a completely new crib and dresser. Lighter in colour now than the last so that completely changes the colour palette. Completely. The greens and browns will no longer work. We're keeping the trim white. And might be keeping the original wall colour (called Candlewax. It's pretty much a light yellow). Our hardwood floor is a lighter wood too, not a dark one, so that affects it as well. Basically, I can't find anything to go with it. I don't want light blues and light greens. I don't want boring. I want something with a bit of kick to it. Some bright accents at least. AND NO MURALS OR DECALS OR BORDERS.

Mom says the baby won't care what the colours are, but that doesn't matter to me. It's our first and we are having fun with it. So let us fret about the nursery colours and design. It's the ~~annoying~~ fun part.

I think I'll go back through the pictures I saved last night when I was up until 1:00AM GOOGLING NURSERY PICTURES to get an idea of what I like, then hit Ikea for fun fabric ideas and take it from there. I know it'll be right in front of me one day soon, and I'll magically see all the colours I like thrown together beatuifully, but I want it to happen today.

Is that asking too much? Really?

Do you think a splash of navy blue is too old for a newborn? I need a grounding colour, a darker colour.

That goes with yellow.

Argh.

2008-11-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday's brief post about ballet got me thinking about something.

I'm not afraid of childbirth. Nor labour.

And I can't believe that.

I hate pain. I'm terrified when I think things are going to hurt. And from what I understand, childbirth HURTS!

So why am I not afraid? I don't get it. Am I out of my body? Am I not feeling?

Nope.

It simply will be what it will be. It is what it is.

I'm a woman. My body was made for this. There's wisdom in the body that far outweighs the wisdom of thinking. And I trust my body.

And I trust the baby. They know what to do. They know how to get out. And if they're stuck, that's where the doctor's come in. And they know what they're doing. They know how to help mom and baby. (My birth plan starts with, SAFETY FIRST.)

And I trust nature. It knows what it's doing. Nature is nature.

It is what it is.

Simple as that.

S.

2008-11-13T18:11:00.000-08:00

You know what?

He might be a dancer afterall! In fact, all babies have the potential to be dancers.

I'm currently reading, well, five different books, but the one that gets most of my attention is "The Mind of your Newborn Baby". It was talking about how at around six months in utero the baby starts to do a certain sort of ballet in there. He changes position in such a way that gets him ready for birth. It's a mirror of how babies are actually born. How they actually come down the birth canal.

How cool is that?

They know what to do.

Thank god.

'Cause I have NO idea!

2008-11-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

Saw @haribhajan post a link about letting go of the past on Twitter yesterday and it got me thinking. Really, really thinking.

I threw out all my stuffed animals from when I was little.

Not too long ago either.

I've recently searched high and low throughout my house for that magical box of childhood friends. But it's gone.

Did I really donate them? Did I really bundle up the box and drive them out of my life? Didn't I even save ONE? The little mouse that my grandmother gave me? The little yellow dog that my mother's friend gave me? The monkey with the button eyes?

I was so upset to realize that I had gotten rid of them. Only to remember why, just thismorning.

I wanted to create my own traditions. My own history. Starting now. Starting right now, with this little guy growing inside me. I want him to have his own memories. His own toys. His own little stuffed friends. His own gift from his own grandmother.

Not mine.

Those were my friends when I was little. They were my only company somedays, and my only friends most days. They served me well 30 years ago when I needed them. They don't serve me anymore. Perhaps they'll be a great friend to a young person somewhere else now. And that gives me comfort.

I've wanted to have a clean slate for a long long time. Moving 4000 miles away from my hometown started that process. Letting go of friendships that didn't serve me anymore - whether flesh & blood, or stuffed with foam - took me a long way towards that goal. Getting married and buying a house helped it along tenfold.

And this pregnancy is a magical piece of it.

I get to meet this little guy who doesn't know my history. Who has no judgement. Who loves me just for being me. For being his mom.

Now that's a clean slate. That's letting go of the past.

That's an opportunity that will never come along again.

S.

2008-11-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

So this is the stroller we've registered for:

And this is the one I'm looking at instead:

Specific questions I'd love it if any of you could answer for me in the comments:

is the Mosaic (2nd one) easy to fit into trunk/compact/light in weight?
any of you wish you had of had a food tray on your stroller instead of just an arm bar?

Thanks!

2008-11-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

Week 29!

Just got my email update from Pregnancy Weekly.

The first sentence?

"This is a good time to learn how to power nap during the day."

!!!!!

Trust me, if there's one thing I definitely got right with this pregnancy, it's power napping. 15-20 minutes and I'm all good.

So where are we at week 29? He's about 2.5 lbs and 15.5" from head to toe. That's the same as last week. I thought this was a massive weight-gain and growth period? I guess I should only take my information from one source to keep it consistent...

He's really active. Kicks up a storm. Just lovin' it. Paul, over at Running a Hospital, left a comment yesterday wondering if I've tried playing different types of music for him to see how he reacts. I hadn't, but started to thismorning. Right now we're listening to a cd called "Lullababy". He's not kicking as much as when I play Chopin, but we'll see. I'll try different kinds and see what he likes when he's here with us, on the outside. I won't play any heavy rock or metal though... no offense to folks who dig that, but to me it's painful to listen to, so why would I subject my son to it? If he likes it when he's older, good enough, but until then? No go.

For right now, we're adding to the registry, building the hospital bag and birth plan lists, getting the nursery ready, contacting the cord blood people and cloth diaper services for more information... the list goes on. It's all coming together. I just have to make sure I schedule enough time in my day to really focus on what needs to be done and get my act together!

Stood up to get a cup of tea thismorning and had some serious stomach pains. Don't know what it was, but it passed in a matter of minutes (with me walking around my house rubbing my belly and really nervous), and he's kicking again now, so all must be well.

He requires more nutrition than ever from now on, so I've got to make sure I eat and eat well. I have been more hungry, and more often lately, so I'll pay attention to that but make sure I grab a healthy snack instead of a snack that just happens to be close. The halloween treats are all gone now, so no more Kit Kats for Stephi!

All for now. Might be time for one of those power naps! Yawn....

2008-11-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning feeling incredibly creative. I think it's because of my wonky dreams. (Or it's because I'm creating something incredible in my belly...)

But seriously. The dreams? NUTS. 3rd trimester dreams are as crazy and vivid, and sometimes as terrifying, as 1st trimester dreams. INSANE.

And Donald is going through it too.

A few nights ago I was dreaming that a ghost was talking to me. It was whispering in my ear (didn't say anything very exciting. Just, "Boo".) Anyway, as this ghost was whispering I started to shoo it away by punching it in the face.

Well guess what? I was actually punching my husband in the face! I woke up by feeling my hand punching him in the cheek and jaw. And he woke up wondering why the hell his wife was beating him up in his sleep!

BUT, he was really glad I was hitting him because it got him out of a dream where we were driving down a road, him in the driver's seat, me in the passenger seat, and two men on the side of the road starting shooting at me.

Turns out, his face was by my ear and his breathing changed so drastically when someone was shooting at me that it manifested in my dream, at that very moment, as a ghost whispering in my ear.

Bizarre.

Sympathetic husband syndrome? Or serious dream connection. Either way, this is exactly the kind of thing that's happening in the 3rd trimester.

Wonky as hell, but fantastic. I love this stuff, I love how the body works, how nature works. How things happen just as intended. How the body is a map. How it just knows what to do.

How when my unborn child is kicking and poking inside me and I calmly say his name and that I love him and put my hand over the place he's kicking, he automatically calms down.

In utero.

He's learning about his mom. In utero. So imagine what he's learning when my heart rate increases or my blood pressure rises when I'm (unnecessarily) angry (or stressed or afraid).

I love the mystery of it all. And I'm glad it's a mystery and I hope some things in life always remain a mystery. It's beautiful.

2008-11-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm a dork.

You know that line on the belly that alot of pregnant women get? Yeah, that one? Well, I didn't get it. Nope, I don't have it. Didn't show up on me.

Only it did. I do have it. It's right there, above and below my belly button (which is still 3/4 an outie), right where it's supposed to be. Only for the past 2-3 months, I thought it was a seam mark. A seam from my underwear or pants. A seam from my shirt.

Only my underwear and pants CAN'T REACH MY BELLY BUTTON. My belly is too big now for anything to wrap around it. Nothing, no sort of clothes, can make it that far up my belly. So why the hell I didn't realize this earlier is beyond me. I'm such a spaz. So there you have it. Or there I have it. The linea negra. Only a bit lighter in colour that most.

So here I am in my 3rd trimester. First trimester I was craving fruit and McDonald's. Second trimester I was craving fruit and Starbucks. And in the third trimester? Not much so far. Solid, deep sleep would be nice. Being able to put my own socks on would be nice. Towel drying my hair without almost falling over would be nice. As would brushing my teeth without losing balance (I never was one of those people who can brush their teeth standing up straight. All that toothpaste runs out of your mouth and down your arm. And when I say "your", I mean "my".).

And when is Flipping Out coming back on (in Canada)? I need my dose.

All for now. Gotta go make my list of things to go in the hospital bag and also fret over the stroller decision I made.

2008-11-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

BC Women's Hospital is officially "baby-friendly"!

Here's a brief synapsis of the World Health Organization's initiative for Baby Friendly designation.

I'm thrilled!

I had relaxed a bit after the last doctor's appointment and chatting with my OB about what I want and don't want for my baby at birth/following birth. She was right there with me. She didn't fight me on anything I wanted. It was a non-issue. She was supportive. And here I was panicking for months because other women had told me that hospitals are difficult to deal with and they/the nurses/the doctors might fight me when it comes to ie: eye ointment, breastfeeding, etc etc, but not at all! And now, knowing that BC Women's is officially designated as Baby-Friendly, I can completely relax in knowing I'll be supported in breastfeeding (among other things) during my stay at the hospital.

Phew.

2008-11-04T20:11:00.001-08:00

I am in LOVE with this concept! The perfect way to get over writer's block. The perfect way to just start writing!

The One Minute Writer

All for now.

2008-11-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

28 weeks today!

I thought I was already in the 3rd trimester, but apparently I'm just sliding into it now. Whatever. What's a number, really? I'll go by belly size. And since Ling Ling has just now taken a shining to sitting on it and resting her head between my boobs, I'll take it as a sign that the belly is now big enough to be granted "Third Trimester" status.

I'm tired. I'm really really tired. It hits me out of the blue and I have to nap RIGHT THEN. I really noticed it after Donald's b-day party Saturday night. Like I said, I could hardly move off the couch the next day until 7:30pm. It was awesome to let myself rest, but boring as hell. So I grabbed the laptop and started to create the baby registry. A bit of a small wish list, pretty straight forward (thermometers, nursing pads, Bumbo, yada yada) (Anyone have thoughts on the Bumbo? Is it worth it do ya think?) Researching monitors to add to it later today. Donald laughs and says that shopping is my form of nesting. Lord knows cleaning the house isn’t!
The little guy has been kicking like mad since Friday night. And moving around so much. His little butt sticks out beside my belly button and my stomach rolls like a beluga. It’s hilarous! When it gets more pronounced, I’m going to video it. Stay tuned for that one!

28 weeks. Here’s what’s up with him:

He’s 15.75 inches and over 2.5 lbs! That’s HUGE. No friggin’ wonder I can feel him down by my pelvis and then over to my side. Crazy. He’s growing eyelashes and if he has hair, it’s growing longer right now.

And the mom?

She’s shopping! I have an ongoing list of things to buy, and am set to do it over the Christmas holidays. I want to have everything ready (or as ready as I can be) by early January so I can just relax and enjoy the remaining weeks of having my little guy safely inside of me. As my friend Nicola told me after Ruby was born (it actually quite terrified me!)... to paraphrase: “To think you’re so worried for the 9 months of carrying your baby and want to keep her safe and do everything right.... and then you have her and she’s OUT and it’s total panic time.“

!!

I’ve got my list going of Things for Mom and Things for Baby. For mom it’s stuff like Lasinoh (by week 32!) and ingredients to make my own baby wipes (a January purchase), bath supplies for the little guy like gentle shampoos and wash (looking into natural stuff...), receiving blankies, face cloths, a couple of towels with cute hoods, socks for him, I have tonnes of clothes for him, but have to go through again to make sure I have enough of each, order the cloth diaper service, prepare my hospital bag... all that stuff. What fun! Nicola is a great source of reference for those things not to forget, and so is my friend Lexie. She’s fired off a list of things to me. Anyone want a copy, just email or leave a comment with your email address.

That’s about it for today... must get back to work. A couple of housekeeping items:

1. Great to see a bunch of you on Twitter now! It’s a fantastic way to briefly keep in touch and network with people world wide. I’ve gotten some great advice from people via their tweets and conversations, and I even landed a client on Twitter. It’s a fantastic social media tool.

2. I’ve changed the chat option from Gmail to Skype. Skype is by far superior. For all my friends and relatives at home in the Maritimes, I highly suggest you download it (it’s a free service) and we can keep in touch after the baby comes - by video call even! Or you can simply chat with me if it shows that I’m currently online. My skype name is Scratchpad1.

I’ll leave you with a picture of the birthday party on Saturday night. This is all the grandchildren with us, except for a few. Be warned, I take up half of the frame with my ever-widening belly....